fatal attraction

i sacrifice a future to live in moments. Ive heard that truly is living. i wouldn't take back a moment for anything in this world. even the blacked out ones. there are no black outs when the world watches you and absolutely no escape when its proved through photography. in one moment there was you and in the next you were gone. the world watched as we met yet fate wouldn't let it exist. there was another girl in your orbit and another boy in mine. you had plans too far gone and mine were nonexistent. Ive gotten you to leave with me, although i cant get you to stay. but there is no way out once things are set in motion and we are already set in stone. Ive tried ridding my brain of you, tried washing my hands clean. i seem okay, but you hide beneath my eyelids. and when i close them i cant help but see that silly smile. you hide in my eardrums and if i listen carefully enough i can hear that contagious laugh. just when Ive given into hope that the hide and seek is over and Ive ceased to find you, you show your self. give up that hiding spot. come to the light and let the universe see what we keep denying. there i go again, recreating our mistakes in my head. picturing your lips on my chest, hand on my thigh and you in my bed. there we go again. i want it to stop but i just cant help myself when it comes to you. Ive tried, but not really hard enough. and then like a million bricks on glass that conversation we had behind closed doors comes crashing down. the one where you told me it was over, for her. the one where you promised me you had met no one else quite like me. the one where i end up alone and she ends up your everything. truth is, i think i disguise my hurt well enough from you and the rest of the world to get by, but everyone can see it. everyone knows whats creeping between my ears or cloaked in the shades of my eyelids. they watch the smile start to appear upon my face and my eyes start to go distant. I cant help but talk to you as if you are with me, even though your probably with her. besides you're extremely bad at keeping promises and too good at lying. lets face facts here. were terrible at keeping secrets and at keeping our hands off each other. horrible at respecting the wishes of a girl who sits alone in wonder. rotten at ignoring the sparks and chemistry that fly through the room like stray bullets. dreadful at concealing the fact we both know well go home together. and disastrous at pretending this isn't what we both want. your telling me, she and you have the gravitational pull we share. impossible. that you cant keep your hands off of her. false. that you haven't met anyone else like her. unlikely. that she has the same affect on you that i do. lies. oh baby stop kidding yourself, you feel this as much as i do. I just wonder whats going to happen when someone calls our bluff, or she calls yours...

so keep playing your games. keep promising your self you'll do right next week. and keep forgiving yourself when the weeks come and go. because, that girl, sure shes pretty. but she cant keep up with me...

or us for that matter.

shes not that girl.

we all know that girl, the one that has boys on bended knees, hands to broken hearts. the girl that comes on like a tornado and leaves a mess in her path. the girl who will always leave you wanting more. she knows it too with out being aware of it. how many men have stopped at your feet and begged? how many times do you need to hear it before you believe it? how long will it take to drop the facade of insecurities? you know what you are and you know what you are capable of doing. your a smoking cigarette, and if she could she'd put you out. she turns away from the reflection in the mirror, not because she doesnt like what she sees, but because others do not. she grins and bares the pain. smiles in the face of sadness. laughs at the depression thats only slightly below the surface. she compares to no tornado and will never leave you wanting anything more than goodbye. every boy who sees you, on other hand, wants to keep you in his sight. what is it about you? is it all the insecurities? is it the perfectly painted face? is it your sarcastic remarks? what is it about you thats so goddamn addicting? you play your part well. she cant keep up. you spin your words to leave them on their edge of their seats. she doesnt know when to bite her tongue. you make promises that are too soon broken. she cant break shit. you command any room you walk into. she goes unnoticed. you are sex in high heels. she is just awkward. she wishes she had a bit of you, just a piece. maybe the look that your eyes flirtatiously flicker. maybe the brillance of the smile you flash when the joke suffers. maybe the wittyness of your remark to keep him interested. shes watched you, studied you even. she will never understand. both seem to have the same amount of insecurities. both seem to have similar flaws. so many similarities, yet oppisite outcomes. its hard to sit back for her and watch you work your magic. the magic which you take for granted. the magic you dont even see. live a day in her shoes and youd beg for your black pumps back. the magic you walk around a room with she'd kill for. just a taste, a sniff, anything for some of that magic to rub off on her. theres no magic in her path. no sparkle, no shine, no light. she'll never have that. shes will never be you. shes not that girl, but she want to be.

and you will love it

what is this. for me its the fact that you make me feel alive even though I'm dying. you make me feel as if there is a purpose to all of this. there is no one like you. not in my world. and even though my hate for you runs deep i keep running back for more. i didnt want to, i tell myself not to. but yet i don't know how to control my fingers when my hands reach for that phone. i tell myself to dial any other number in the world except yours, yet your the only number i can even remember. but you don't answer, not tonight, not yesterday, not a week ago. forget the drunken words i muttered to you as you slept. forget the promises you made to me when you were too drunk. forget the time we spent together. forget it all.

this is only what it is. and i promise that this time. to stay at an arms reach, to stay away from the world you've created for yourself. you've already fucked it up though, so answering that buzzing wont make a difference tonight or tomorrow. lets face it it never really made a difference anyway. she doesn't know and even if she did know shed fight for it. you wouldn't though. i know you too well and i promise you, you'd fight for nothing. but maybe in those drunken stupors there was honesty, there was love, there was home. if only either one of us knew how to believe in the other anymore.

i am not that girl that has boys come to me, knees to the floor and hands to broken heart. i am not a car crash that will come and suddenly destroy you. i am not a storm on a direct path. but you told me i could make the sun set. and to me it was everything. leave it to me to spin words that don't actually mean a thing. to me you said that i made the stars illuminate the Philadelphia sky. but behind the admiration in your tone there was always dishonesty in your voice. somewhere lurking not far behind, even if i needed it to be the truth. your words are too beautiful to be honest. your eyes to kind to be sincere. your touch to gentle to be real. yet i am always there to fall. i will never mind being the first or last to go to bed with you.

i know its inappropriate to talk about her and how you've intertwined the two of us, using all the same lines and tactics. but how many pretty girls have turned up on your doorstep? and how many will you turn them away with empty promises? i don't need another friend, no matter how great the promise be. friends don't lift me on to them in a mess of sheets and heavy breathing. i need someone who can stand beside me, who can scream my name and mean it.

you have a way about you that i have never seen in anyone else. i don't care if you remember that i am in your bed in the morning. or the promises you made me with the scent of alcohol on your breath. but i ask you to remember one thing, you have a way about you that keeps me hypnotized. please don't loose that enchanting glance, but please stop using it to make me believe you.

jealousy is the game now. and you know i play better than you. you may have won the first two rounds but i promise after tonight you will know how it feels to die. how many times have i mistreated you? none. how many times have you tricked me? thousands.

maybe you’re just my gateway drug, giving me a taste for the harder stuff. i was naive when we first started, and now i can’t get enough. you got me high and i descended to dependence. now my body quakes at night from vivid dreams and with drawl. now we’re playing cat and mouse, you’re the hider, i’m the seeker. now we’re running back and forth, losers weepers and finders keepers. but i always find you when i’m fucked up enough to follow you home, and lose myself in you. and oh my god, i don’t want to stop. but intervention happens every thursday, and we start all over, don’t we? i’ll try and stay in your good graces if you keep being such a bad influence. i’ll keep you in the back of my mind, if you’re brave enough to do it. i picture us sprawled across your wooden floor, riding carpets and whispering filthy words. i’ll keep you just out of reach and you’ll keep me in touch.

for the record i never wanted this. for the record i feel like this is becoming such a mess. for the record i’m having way more fun than i should be. for the record, when i’m in your arms it turns me on. for the record, i’m probably wrong to string you along. for the record, you’re sexy when you turn me down. for the record, you’re sexy when you bring me home. for the record, i will defeat you, i promise you that and you will love it.

i guess i was wrong.

i blamed everything on you. the cause of all of our problems was because of you. and when that statement is correct it doesn't give the full story. i didn't know how to love you.. for you. i could never except who you were. i wanted you to be everything i needed. everything i wanted you to be. i fought with you tooth and nail to turn you into that person. how wrong was i? you are perfect as you are. and when there are no expectations to live up to.. there is no hurt. there is no pain. you are who you are. there is nothing ti can do about that and I'm learning to except that. i needed to learn that i needed to love you for who you were and not who i thought i could make you become. i needed to love you faults and all. i needed to understand that you are not perfect and neither was i. but i thought i was especially in that relationship. now its 3 years later, you are who you always were and so am i. but now the difference is.. i know how to accept it. i know how to take it for what it is.. and we get along better than we've ever gotten along before. i cant believe that i still want you and after everything we've been through. i guess we never really moved on. and as they say whats meant to be will always find its way. you fill my head with ideas of us of a future. i want so badly to believe them. your more mature and me I'm more understanding. i don't know if that means we'd work but i think its worth watching it play out. only god knows what is in the cards for us. and regardless of what hand is played i love the ideas you have for us. i love that you do and have always accepted me as i was and as i am. I'm sorry that i didn't do that for you. i promise from now on you get nothing but understanding and love. you are who you are i can not change you and truthfully i would have never wanted to.

a heart full of pain.

the only word to describe this feeling is numb. she cant feel anymore, she cant even allow herself to feel anymore. every time it just ends in disappointment. there is never a happy ending, never ends with a smile. behind those piercing blue eyes is nothing but pain and lost. its obvious when shes crying but she holds those tears back. and so if you look closely behind the smile, youll see the hurt. there is no happiness in this thing called life, at least not for her. no fairy tale ending. just ever present and constant reminders of a life she never dreamed of. a life which she doesnt want to live. a life she doesnt know what to do with. surrounded by things she cant escape and doesnt know how to deal with. past lives coming back to haunt and be relived. nobodys been there for her and no one ever will be. its a self defeating attitude and she knows it but she cant seem to shake it. shes learning the hard way you can only look out for number one. that you are the only one looking out for you. but she doesnt even know how to do that. she doesnt know how to come to her own defenses. how to come to her own rescue. shes stopped believing in friendship. shes stopped believing in love. shes stopped believing in survivng. shes only exsisting. walking around like a puppet. going through the motions she needs to so people dont ask too many questions. she wants to reach out so bad, wants someone close to her. to hear her and be there for her. but when she turns around to find a friend, her own shadow is all she sees. its not the life she dreamed of but its the life shes living. shes been doing it so long that shes a pro now. and so although you may see a smile on that face of hers, know that her heart is full of pain.

welcome to the road

welcome to the road less traveled. welcome to the road you've never seen. the intersection of loyalty and friendship, but you haven't seen the sign. stolen, cheated and lied your way to the top and into my heart. but I'm turning my back on those who have put me in this sad place. this is the crossroads where i stand alone. you are but a spot on the horizon. and the huge area that your name took in my heart is now only a speck. ill leave you standing on that horizon searching for this intersection. no directions. no hints. you should of been here long ago but you've lost your way. and i am abandoned. shit, abandoned isn't even the word. your definition of these spoken promises differ from mine but somethings should be universal. people i would put money on who wouldn't come to meet me actually did and ones i thought would never leave me stranded proved me wrong. you should be here. next to me. if only to stand in silence. if only to hold my hand. but your not. instead your whispering things behind my back and shoving perfect in my face. enjoying the fact that I'm dying on the inside. enjoying watching me fail. enjoying the fact that you are that much better than me. you claim to see the pain within my eyes while the rest of the world is fooled by a smile. but you've apparently been mislead along with the others. the pain in my eyes was never what you were concerned with. the fake smile was enough not to even ask or even let a thought enter your mind if only for a moment. a wise man once said "sometimes your closest friend is your greatest enemy" and maybe that's all all of you are, enemies. but a false friend is worse than an open enemy. id rather see your fake and deceit in the open. before i was blinded by it but never again. my eyes are wide and even with the pain they see everything. i caught you stealing, witnessed your cheating and deciphered your lies. I'm not giving more than i get anymore. your only getting what you deserve, and that isn't much. but i will still stand at this spot forever or until the day you find it, waiting for you. welcome to the road you never traveled.

i never learned that game.

i don't know how to do this; yet i know how to do it better than anyone else. who am i kidding I've been doing it for almost three years. stealing you away from anything that isn't me. making you believe that i am and have always been the one. you see it, you know it, yet still you wont believe it. i have always been there for you. yet so has every other girl. but I've been here the longest. I've put in my time. I've dealt with the ups and the downs. stood by you through thick and thin. and amazingly you've done the same for me. you laid next to me and watched me cry, told me everything would be okay. amazingly you were a million times exactly what i needed. and yet when i needed you the most you turned your back. your newest flavor of the week took prize over me. surprisingly i knew how to take it and all the while was shocked when it happened. i wish for someone or something different to walk into my life every day.. and yet right when that wish is made i see your face. you're something i cant let go of.. or maybe i don't know how to let go of. you're my everything and my nothing. you're everything i wished for and absolutely nothing i wanted. you make me cry internally... no one has ever been able to do that. so congratulations. you make me wish i was better make me wish i had her qualities, even though i don't know what she has over me. in fact i know she has nothing over me. but there's nothing I'm better at than stealing you away and yet i wish there was nothing i was better at than keeping you interested. but apparently i never learned that game.

you had me.

here i sit cold and alone. you did this too me. no one else. just you. to imagine that some one else had the power over me to make me feel so very alone in the world is astonishing to me. you provided me with dream after dream. gave a me a reason to believe, and things to hope for. promised me a brand new beginning. and just like all the others left me stranded alone. wishing for something it could never be. wishing for something more than it ever was. i stood proud and true on those words you wrote and believed in each promise you made. i think deep down i knew none was ever true. i made myself a believer, for i had nothing else to reach for. you were everything i hoped for, everything i dreamed about. but they were just words weren't they. its true what they say isn't it.. actions speak way louder than words. yours did at least. I've given up all hope. all belief. in something so real, something so incredible. they were all just lines weren't they? ones you've practiced over that years. they were perfection, weren't they? they had me fooled. you had me convinced. i knew it was too good to believe. i wanted so badly to believe though. i wanted everything you wrote to be the honest truth that i made it become so. your just like the rest of them aren't you? just like everything you promised against? everything i needed you not to be. well u had me at your word. you had me at "freckles". you had me.

new butterflies.

i wished for that invitation tonight. to your house. to your bed. into your heart. just for one night. we've been getting along better than we've ever gotten along before and so naturally to me the next step would seem expected. but it never came. you made me beat around the bush for it. you made me say things that i would normally never say. you were asking me to beg for it and i just wouldn't allow myself to steep that low. but i did. because i wanted you - all of you. because i needed to feel loved. i needed to feel needed. i needed to be wanted. and yet i feel exactly the opposite, sitting alone in my room typing this. a message to someone who will never a read it. a message that will never get its point across. a message that doesn't even matter. words that i type fall on deaf ears. deep desires that will never ever come to light. bottom line i just miss that feeling. i miss the butterflies. i miss the nervousness. i miss that undeniable feeling in the pit of my stomach. i just miss everything that you made me feel. i know that all these feelings get old. i know that they're replaced by disappointment, hurt and pain. id give anything for them just once more. id take all the grief that came with them for just one more shot at redemption. id take them all for just one instance of knowing that you sat alone awake at night thinking the same thoughts that passed through me. did i ever really cause him pain? did i ever really mean anything to him? was it all every really worth it? and still even so many years later i lay awake waiting for my phone to make that distinct ring; to know that its you; to know that for tonight, you care. that you want to see me. that against all odds, it was real, if only for a moment. normally its the liquor talking, but i can tell when you've had too much and tonight i can hear it in your voice, you haven't. ill believe you have thought because i know its the only way to make it work tonight. and ill hold onto this moment as long as i can because i have nothing else to hope for. i know it will fade away. i know that it doesn't mean a thing in the mornings light. i know that tomorrows a new day and you'll be gone. but until i feel a new kind of butterfly and hope, ill cling to you for what i need to survive through each day.

back to you

your clinging to me with just the slightest of hold but still clinging no less. dangling me like a toy. keeping me just out of arms reach. and just when i think you've let go you grab hold again. well I'm not the same girl you used to know but the parts of me that you have affected have never changed. you still have that hold, can still keep me wanting more, and most importantly i cant let it go. i still get lost in your eyes. i still loose myself in your arms. and your whispers still make me tremble. sometimes i watch the world go by and i wonder what its like to be you. to wake up with a smile on your face each day. we both know you never tried, we both know that we cant change anything, we both know that it will happen again and well have to face it. well find ourselves in this predicament again and again, without any hesitation on your part but there is always at least a little on mine. but it never stops me. and then when all is said and done I'm there, lying lonely surrounded by you. i realize id be out of line telling you to leave her, but i want whats yours and i want whats mine. i want it all and i want nothing. i want you. you are the only question i need answered. i would never admit to not being over you. i would never let the words slip. that's why i write knowing my thoughts will never leave this room. i don't want to stay but i cant seem to find my legs to go. my head wants me to slam the door but my heart aches to stay as close as i can be. i cant go home because i don't want to be alone and i cant stay because i don't want to feel alone. and then you told me everything i wanted to hear and that brought me back to you. you looked at me and whispered my name like you were thinking of times when you and i were you and me. so what if i said what i was thinking, would that be too much? its like my body physically needs to be next to you, needs to share every breath with you, needs to look in to your eyes and witness your smile. then just when you've got me, you loosen your grip a little and eventually i loose the neediness. i loose the want. i loose the desire. and just as its all about to slip away you regain every bit of hold you ever had on me. give me one good reason to stay... ‘nothing better to do?’ - wrong. ‘we haven't been together in forever’ - wrong. ‘my girlfriends not here’ - wrong. you. plain and simple. you've always been my reason. but i don't want to waste another moment saying things we never meant to say. there is no use, your lies have now become your truths, and i just want to loose myself in you. but once I'm gone there is still a part of me that feels so empty. that's where you live inside of me. in that loneliness. in that sacredness. its reserved for you and for the memories. and as the days go by ill wish for everything to have changed, when deep down in that place i know its all the same. your grip will ease and then just as I'm about to free myself you'll regain your strength. and ill will have found my way back to you.

all it took...

congratulations. you did it again. you caught me. i almost had it. i put the phone down and ignored its constant vibrations. i turned my back, walked away and left you standing in the rain, lost and alone. but i did it and at that moment - a moment i had dreamed about - i didn't feel the way i thought i was supposed to feel. at that moment i was supposed to feel strong and proud yet i felt the opposite. everything in me wanted to turn around and go with you but i fought against it. i did what i knew was right but it all felt so wrong. and you cried and yelled and acted just the way i remembered and knew you would. threw your arms in the air and screamed. disrespected me and made me feel so low the way only you know how to. and then it all changed. you did something so out of character for you - something so impossible for me to imagine. you apologized. you admitted you were wrong that you had acted out of immaturity. insane. unbelievable. at that moment you had me. and i had you so easily forgotten the minute before. but you accomplished what i had been pretending was the impossible. but i jumped at the chance to make that moment of your honest caring real. i wanted to hold on to it forever and never let go. you cared you actually cared, actually saw that i cared and it affected you. and so there we stand - together again and perfectly content with that. and although my brain battles my heart every time this happens it just feels right. fingers intertwined, legs wrapped around and nothing to take us away from this. the evening didn't take us where you expected or hoped it to, yet it took me exactly there. you were gentle and sweet, perfectly perfect. imagine you were even that perfect without a drop of alcohol. but it all has to come to an end and i know its not reality. i know that when i leave your bed i have to go back to the lying and deceit that comes with knowing your name and going to bed with you here and there. and if i so happen to end up in that spot next to you on that bed, ill probably go onto regret it. but today for the first time in a long time i feel good about it and its not killing me. you were finally who i wanted you to be, if only for twenty four hours, you were who i needed you to be and believe it or not, all it took was me walking away.

this is war.

this is war; every line is about who i don't want to write about anymore. we stole the night and took those mornings for granted. rolled together intertwined and bound by satin sheets. snuck away into dark corners that were obviously public. made promises we knew we'd never keep and swore to ones that were never true. this is the way its supposed to be; just like every other before and the ones that will follow. i was all you ever wanted, all the things every other girl promised to be. you were nothing i needed and everything every other boy had failed to be. we weren't supposed to be together, like someone forcing magnets together with similar charges. but we worked. amazingly and wonderfully.. and tragically.. it worked. but as they say all good things must come to an end. and baby ours was tragic and sudden. the fantasies were stripped and the ideals for the perfect ending where stolen away. those promises we made that we wouldn't keep; we didn't. and things we swore to that were never true; actually weren't. i just wanted to let you know that i had hope baby, i had hope. and sometimes that's all you need, but i feel like its all i ever have. in the end it always happens the same and i believe it always will. i will live and die with hope and with nothing else. its romantic and wishful and fantastically dishonest. ask me baby, what its like to have this all so figured out.. i wish i knew. i don't believe in love stories.. i don't believe in cliches. the movies and the TV shows that have happy endings, its bullshit. happy endings don't exist and i knew that when i met you. the words you spoke and the endless ideas of us made me nervous. ideas that i knew real life would actually never let come true. but i never thought that it would end like this.. well maybe i did. maybe i always believed that it would end in misery and that's why i never would consent to your wishes and demands. i rebelled, but we both know i have that problem. everything we were was controversial but we both know no one can do controversy better. this was the beginning of everything i wanted and ended before we ever even got started. my fingers are the only muscles in my body at this point which are stronger than my heart. this is the reason were alone. this is the rise and fall before it ever began. this is war; every line is about who i never even knew.

it was for real and worth it

where did you go.. i miss your words and the excitement that came along with them. i miss the advice even when i didnt ask for it. i miss the compliments and the way they made me blush. does it ever stay the same? is it every really worth all the trouble? we dont even talk anymore.. did we run out of words to say? you were the one thing i looked forward to. the one thing that actually gave me hope for the future. and now its gone and it just restores thoughts i used to have. thats why i dont put my trust in things people say. i took everything with a grain of salt. after so many years.. i loved the person you thought i'd become and your dreams for what wed become. but now its gone.. dreams washed in a sink full of bleach. leaving no clues of their presence.. to the naked eye.. they never even exsisted. but to us.. we knew it was real for whats its worth.

im better when im drunk

im better when im drunk and im amazing when your wasted. the stories of our lives keep intertwining for some reason and the roads keep bringing you to me. fuck a love story this is an anti love story. it is the how to book for a bad relationship. destructive decietful and infamous. we need to make a concious effort to pull away and stay away. but hell who are we kidding.. we dont see each other for 10 years - you put us in a room together and someones walking out of there pregnant. when i wake up with arms wrapped tight around me i feel loved but thats not exactly what it is, is it? i could come to you for anything and i know youd listen with out caring, be there with out doing anything about it. its a screaming match that ends with our bodies caught up in the madness of what was once was. its a screaming match that ill never win. i cant because you dont care enough about the winner thus making me the obvious loser because i do. i just dont know how to. and now on top of everything ive become 'that girl'. the girl you call late night to whisper sweet lies in my ear and disgustingly honest truths declared out loud. "my girlfriend doesnt matter" or "me and her, were not together for real" lies i want to believe i just dont. "this is a bad idea" or "i really do love her" truths i just cant seem to let go of. but like i said im better when im drunk when i dont seem to mind about her and im amazing when your wasted because you could care less. does she even know what she has just signed up for? i think not. a road well known by me and walked several times. how long will this one last? our track records are dwindling but we dont seem to mind making our way back to that familar street once again. but just for one night not to be seen again for days, weeks, or months. but trust in this darling it will be seen again, eventually. but this time babe ill do all that i can to steer clear of that street that know our footprints all too well. ill steer clear of the road signs that bring me to it. ill steer clear of you. period. its one bad decision after another after another and i dont think i can handle anymore. so im keeping my hands out of the pot from now on. keeping my nose clean of all of the things that draw me to you. its fighting an uphill battle.. its playing a losing game. its all the things i promised i never would do again and there i am waking up in the bed i promised id never see again and would learn to forget. i hate everything you are. i hate everything you've become. i hate your face. i hate your swagger. i hate everything about you and i love it just the same. torn is exactly what i am and the fact that you tear me pulls me in more than id ever allow any one else to do. its only you. and youve made it your full time job. from now on ill be better when im drunk and ill be amazing at ignoring your calls when your wasted.... you can bet on it.

"boy youve got problem and you aint foolin no one but yourself your like a hot revolver but you aint killn no one but yourself"

its a dangerous road

its a dangerous road i travel.. although its the one most traveled, i would think. to give in would be deadly but would it be less devastating if i didnt. too much alcohol and too much thought makes it so easy for me to pick up the phone and dial the numbers ive been trying to forget. but not tonight.. i am too sober. the drinks have not given way to mindless phone calls and messages sent in the late hours of the night.

beer goggles are only supposed to blur the things you see but instead you only see yourself. and the sight is never blurred. you do for you, you look out for you, your only interestead in how you can get ahead. you dont worry about people who care for you. you look out for number one and number one only. and if the timing or place doesnt suit you then its a huge fuck you to the other persons face.

you can not even look into the eyes of the person who you are causing pain without lying. even with out eye contact you have this power to make them feel somethings really there. theres's some truth in your words, although its all deception. lies to improve you position, to get you to higher ground, while everyone else begs for help, you dont even bother to think to glance down.

i used to have control over this whole thing. i was the one pulling the reins, and i loved taking that position over you. loved every second of it. for some reason i stepped down. the numbers i didnt know are now imprinted in my mind and burn there forever. its not even the fact that the feelings arent equal on either side of the fence. its the fact that theres no respect on your part.

i'd be there in a heart beat, without thought or question if you really needed me. and the part that fucks me up is that you wouldnt do the same. although you speak words of the opposite ideals. you fill head with great fairy tales and of happy ever afters that never come true. you speak words at face value and never follow through on any of the actions needed to carry out.

you are the reason for my present failures and you are the reason i am skeptical of anything in the future. yet here i am, on a dangerous road. a road ive fallen down on and been hurt so many times before. here i stand at a fork in the road. you and my past to the left; my future to the right.

which direction will i choose?

i wish i was the better you deserved

the line between reality and fantasy is thin and you walk it with the greatest of skill. the words imprinted between lines that carry so much hope for normalcy. yearning for truth but the truth is i dont know or trust said truth. its hard to believe what is said because the words spoke cant be taken at face value. they've been said, even repeated multiple times but i cant see your eyes, the windows to the soul. those windows speak more to me than any words writtin in ink. "you deserve better than what your getting, i want to be that person." it only holds so much weight with me and that weight is slowly causing me to drown.

the problem: i enjoy drowning. the unknown scares me shitless but with said its more exciting and more of a rush than ive ever experienced before. gasping for air all while a smile remains on my face. it's a cat and mouse game, reaching for the top but never being able to find it. or maybe its just im not trying hard enough or that i dont really want to find it. but what the future holds who knows. if i finally do take that breath at the surface of this water will it be everything id hoped for or will it disappoint like each time before. i imagine the end will finish like every other tragic love story. ill be stuck at the bottom of that water so desperatly wanting the surface yet not willing to swim to the top to breathe.

youve pushed away and thrown what was there out the window. i was always there standing strong catching what was thrown from the street. knowing that if it was dismissed we might both end up lost in this game of life. i reminded you or maybe i did more convincing that you need me possibly more than i need you. the truth being the reverse or at least it has potential to be. this has the potential to be infamous if only i hadnt already doomed it from the start.

its a hard call. forever at the bottom of that water knowing that this might be the best it will ever be. or swim to the top, deal with the reality of it all, possibly watch it all fall apart and finally breathe. that moment you reach while under water where you can almost feel the air but can not yet breathe, thats the line im talking about. that line between reality and fantasy. all these ideas shared between lined sheets are fantasy. when and if i do come up for air will the reality actually cause me to drown?

but then again i guess you cant live at the bottom of the water forever... and maybe if i reach the top and take the first breath.. maybe just maybe it will be the way it should.... perfect

ill always take a beakseat to you

you know i told my sister tonight... "karmas a bitch and they'll get theirs... just because theyre a bad person towards me does not mean i need to do them wrong" she replied that i spoke the truth. you see the look on my face the desperation in my voice.. and yet still you betrayed me. you assume that everythings fine becasue thats the way i act. nothing bothers me i just let it roll off my shoulders.. bc truthfully i am the better person. i have done so much just to get twisted and turned upside down in a one sided friendship.. i have your back at a second glance and id be there for you in a heart beat. but would you do the same for me? i think not. i dont think to assume anything and i go out of my way to make our friendship equal. i want so desprately or it to be equal but it will never be the way it is in my imagination. the one time i needed you the one time i asked for you to treat me fair you couldnt even pull through for me. i have no one now to turn to.. you were my last hope and even you've abandoned me. the things you do i could never get away with.. for the things you do i would never be heard from again. i dont know what gene im missing or what i lost in the mix. apparently im missing something though or i wouldnt end up in tears every night. its 1:11 and im never home this early.. ever. you walked in and i thought you were on my side... late night and early morning phone calls and text messages gave me that idea.. apparently i was wrong. i dont know how to play the game like you do im not that good because im real and things happen and they get to me. i end up in tears for a night and the next morning i keep my mouth closed tight. because i dont want to hurt some one else. for some reason i let myself keep all the pain. i dont want other people to hurt i try to fix other people. you have that gene.. it doesnt matter to you a real person with feelings and truth behind a friendship.. you will take what you can get and leave other stranded behind.. i dont know what went wrong.. you didnt use to be like this.. you used to care but apparently youve lost that about yourself. i try so hard to be that person that fills the void in someones life or to be there in their time of need and i am. until theyre done with me and void is filled or the need is met and then im thrown out like yesterdays laundry and the only time i speak my mind is when im too many shots deep to care what anyone thinks. and in the morning ill apologize for my bluntness and ask for forgivness when really it should have been you all along. i never did anything to apologize for nor would i ever because what i consider my friends always come first. im always the first to apologize when things go bad.. im always the first to bow my head.. im always the first to conciede to a loss. i give everything and take nothing for myself.

an hour later i reflect but im just jealous. i just wish i had the skills yoi had i wish i could remove yourself the way you do. i wish i could be you.

russian roulette of the heart

i dont know how to disregard my feelings the way you have, the way you always have. the word games played and the fights that respond in my head. the fight is with myself and the only responses i have are the ones i continue to fight. seesawing on the ideas put into my head, the games you intentionally play.

you know what you do, shit, you do it on purpose. your in the devils play ground, you are the devil and Im stuck on those swings. everyone here is at war and my heart wars with my head the only way it knows how. my head won this time, but what about the time after this and after that one. the devil knows its stolen my heart more than enough times, has won out over my head over and over again. its a million to one odds and the fact that this once the head prevailed is a miracle in itself.

with you, i cant feel, im not allowed to show weakness and emotion of any kind is weakness in your eyes. if i walked away, would you notice? i think you would but youd pretend not to. you can live blindly without feeling, but i cant. ironically you were my most recent reason for living and lately youve been killing me.

you were everything i knew i wanted and nothing i ever needed. someone who could never love me yet someone who could never leave me. keeping me at an arms length and toying with me, like a moth to a flame. I know how to play your games, but i gave up games long ago. i pick things up fast and i had a good teacher. lesson one, laugh everything off. lesson two, stop caring or at least fake it. lesson three, never get attached. i know how to take your words, swallow them, regurgitate and spit them back in your face with fire. its not real, its never real and it literally destroys the insides of my mouth when it opens. but i have said it more times than not and i have almost convinced myself that the insults have truth. almost.

i was once a pretty girl with a heart of gold, now just a shell of a person surviving the only way i know how. i was always a decent liar, but youve made me a pro. i can sit and listen, i can bit bullets and bare it. I can fake it with the best of them and smile like the rest. pretend im okay and be dying inside. ive got nothing to say except congratulations. where once was hopes and dreams lies nothing but what youve helped me become.

im stuck playing russian roulette with my heart.

just the beginning.

i saw what you wanted me to and heard it all just the same . i felt everything and remember all of it. tonight i hope, these words will set me free and put you to rest....


i sit back and watch the situation at hand unfold. pretend not to care and then care too much. pay no attention at all while paying more than you realize. you talk without talking. its seen through foggy eyes and with hazy understanding, but seen all the same. your pretty good at this game, but someone forgot to inform you that I've played before. they also forgot to tell you that i am and will always be the mvp.

you were wrong when you said id forgive and forget. i didnt and i never will. dont think that things are the same because the past chooses to repeat itself. dont think that behind closed doors and under the mood lighting anything is ever the same. it is only the influence of this tiny love potion that makes any of this look so fimilar. they way its initiated, acted upon and finished are all extremely different. the mood has changed and you dont even look the same in the indentical light of before.

there was potential, or at least faked potential. behind the afternoons spent laughing, the nights wrapped in the warmth, or the mornings remeberence; i thought there was something. perhaps it was all faked but it will be infamous. who are we kidding, it always was. your great at convincing me you want me gone, im just better at believing i want to leave. your smile doesnt have the charm it used to, you arms arent as welcoming, and your kiss; not what it used to be.

ive been through this my entire life and you don't impress me. you know what your problem is, you don't realize when something good is starring you in the face. i may not have the street smarts, but im not that dumb.

you may have won a couple rounds, but the balls in my court and i will succeed.