all it took...

congratulations. you did it again. you caught me. i almost had it. i put the phone down and ignored its constant vibrations. i turned my back, walked away and left you standing in the rain, lost and alone. but i did it and at that moment - a moment i had dreamed about - i didn't feel the way i thought i was supposed to feel. at that moment i was supposed to feel strong and proud yet i felt the opposite. everything in me wanted to turn around and go with you but i fought against it. i did what i knew was right but it all felt so wrong. and you cried and yelled and acted just the way i remembered and knew you would. threw your arms in the air and screamed. disrespected me and made me feel so low the way only you know how to. and then it all changed. you did something so out of character for you - something so impossible for me to imagine. you apologized. you admitted you were wrong that you had acted out of immaturity. insane. unbelievable. at that moment you had me. and i had you so easily forgotten the minute before. but you accomplished what i had been pretending was the impossible. but i jumped at the chance to make that moment of your honest caring real. i wanted to hold on to it forever and never let go. you cared you actually cared, actually saw that i cared and it affected you. and so there we stand - together again and perfectly content with that. and although my brain battles my heart every time this happens it just feels right. fingers intertwined, legs wrapped around and nothing to take us away from this. the evening didn't take us where you expected or hoped it to, yet it took me exactly there. you were gentle and sweet, perfectly perfect. imagine you were even that perfect without a drop of alcohol. but it all has to come to an end and i know its not reality. i know that when i leave your bed i have to go back to the lying and deceit that comes with knowing your name and going to bed with you here and there. and if i so happen to end up in that spot next to you on that bed, ill probably go onto regret it. but today for the first time in a long time i feel good about it and its not killing me. you were finally who i wanted you to be, if only for twenty four hours, you were who i needed you to be and believe it or not, all it took was me walking away.