ill always take a beakseat to you

you know i told my sister tonight... "karmas a bitch and they'll get theirs... just because theyre a bad person towards me does not mean i need to do them wrong" she replied that i spoke the truth. you see the look on my face the desperation in my voice.. and yet still you betrayed me. you assume that everythings fine becasue thats the way i act. nothing bothers me i just let it roll off my shoulders.. bc truthfully i am the better person. i have done so much just to get twisted and turned upside down in a one sided friendship.. i have your back at a second glance and id be there for you in a heart beat. but would you do the same for me? i think not. i dont think to assume anything and i go out of my way to make our friendship equal. i want so desprately or it to be equal but it will never be the way it is in my imagination. the one time i needed you the one time i asked for you to treat me fair you couldnt even pull through for me. i have no one now to turn to.. you were my last hope and even you've abandoned me. the things you do i could never get away with.. for the things you do i would never be heard from again. i dont know what gene im missing or what i lost in the mix. apparently im missing something though or i wouldnt end up in tears every night. its 1:11 and im never home this early.. ever. you walked in and i thought you were on my side... late night and early morning phone calls and text messages gave me that idea.. apparently i was wrong. i dont know how to play the game like you do im not that good because im real and things happen and they get to me. i end up in tears for a night and the next morning i keep my mouth closed tight. because i dont want to hurt some one else. for some reason i let myself keep all the pain. i dont want other people to hurt i try to fix other people. you have that gene.. it doesnt matter to you a real person with feelings and truth behind a friendship.. you will take what you can get and leave other stranded behind.. i dont know what went wrong.. you didnt use to be like this.. you used to care but apparently youve lost that about yourself. i try so hard to be that person that fills the void in someones life or to be there in their time of need and i am. until theyre done with me and void is filled or the need is met and then im thrown out like yesterdays laundry and the only time i speak my mind is when im too many shots deep to care what anyone thinks. and in the morning ill apologize for my bluntness and ask for forgivness when really it should have been you all along. i never did anything to apologize for nor would i ever because what i consider my friends always come first. im always the first to apologize when things go bad.. im always the first to bow my head.. im always the first to conciede to a loss. i give everything and take nothing for myself.

an hour later i reflect but im just jealous. i just wish i had the skills yoi had i wish i could remove yourself the way you do. i wish i could be you.