russian roulette of the heart

i dont know how to disregard my feelings the way you have, the way you always have. the word games played and the fights that respond in my head. the fight is with myself and the only responses i have are the ones i continue to fight. seesawing on the ideas put into my head, the games you intentionally play.

you know what you do, shit, you do it on purpose. your in the devils play ground, you are the devil and Im stuck on those swings. everyone here is at war and my heart wars with my head the only way it knows how. my head won this time, but what about the time after this and after that one. the devil knows its stolen my heart more than enough times, has won out over my head over and over again. its a million to one odds and the fact that this once the head prevailed is a miracle in itself.

with you, i cant feel, im not allowed to show weakness and emotion of any kind is weakness in your eyes. if i walked away, would you notice? i think you would but youd pretend not to. you can live blindly without feeling, but i cant. ironically you were my most recent reason for living and lately youve been killing me.

you were everything i knew i wanted and nothing i ever needed. someone who could never love me yet someone who could never leave me. keeping me at an arms length and toying with me, like a moth to a flame. I know how to play your games, but i gave up games long ago. i pick things up fast and i had a good teacher. lesson one, laugh everything off. lesson two, stop caring or at least fake it. lesson three, never get attached. i know how to take your words, swallow them, regurgitate and spit them back in your face with fire. its not real, its never real and it literally destroys the insides of my mouth when it opens. but i have said it more times than not and i have almost convinced myself that the insults have truth. almost.

i was once a pretty girl with a heart of gold, now just a shell of a person surviving the only way i know how. i was always a decent liar, but youve made me a pro. i can sit and listen, i can bit bullets and bare it. I can fake it with the best of them and smile like the rest. pretend im okay and be dying inside. ive got nothing to say except congratulations. where once was hopes and dreams lies nothing but what youve helped me become.

im stuck playing russian roulette with my heart.