its a dangerous road

its a dangerous road i travel.. although its the one most traveled, i would think. to give in would be deadly but would it be less devastating if i didnt. too much alcohol and too much thought makes it so easy for me to pick up the phone and dial the numbers ive been trying to forget. but not tonight.. i am too sober. the drinks have not given way to mindless phone calls and messages sent in the late hours of the night.

beer goggles are only supposed to blur the things you see but instead you only see yourself. and the sight is never blurred. you do for you, you look out for you, your only interestead in how you can get ahead. you dont worry about people who care for you. you look out for number one and number one only. and if the timing or place doesnt suit you then its a huge fuck you to the other persons face.

you can not even look into the eyes of the person who you are causing pain without lying. even with out eye contact you have this power to make them feel somethings really there. theres's some truth in your words, although its all deception. lies to improve you position, to get you to higher ground, while everyone else begs for help, you dont even bother to think to glance down.

i used to have control over this whole thing. i was the one pulling the reins, and i loved taking that position over you. loved every second of it. for some reason i stepped down. the numbers i didnt know are now imprinted in my mind and burn there forever. its not even the fact that the feelings arent equal on either side of the fence. its the fact that theres no respect on your part.

i'd be there in a heart beat, without thought or question if you really needed me. and the part that fucks me up is that you wouldnt do the same. although you speak words of the opposite ideals. you fill head with great fairy tales and of happy ever afters that never come true. you speak words at face value and never follow through on any of the actions needed to carry out.

you are the reason for my present failures and you are the reason i am skeptical of anything in the future. yet here i am, on a dangerous road. a road ive fallen down on and been hurt so many times before. here i stand at a fork in the road. you and my past to the left; my future to the right.

which direction will i choose?