i wish i was the better you deserved

the line between reality and fantasy is thin and you walk it with the greatest of skill. the words imprinted between lines that carry so much hope for normalcy. yearning for truth but the truth is i dont know or trust said truth. its hard to believe what is said because the words spoke cant be taken at face value. they've been said, even repeated multiple times but i cant see your eyes, the windows to the soul. those windows speak more to me than any words writtin in ink. "you deserve better than what your getting, i want to be that person." it only holds so much weight with me and that weight is slowly causing me to drown.

the problem: i enjoy drowning. the unknown scares me shitless but with said its more exciting and more of a rush than ive ever experienced before. gasping for air all while a smile remains on my face. it's a cat and mouse game, reaching for the top but never being able to find it. or maybe its just im not trying hard enough or that i dont really want to find it. but what the future holds who knows. if i finally do take that breath at the surface of this water will it be everything id hoped for or will it disappoint like each time before. i imagine the end will finish like every other tragic love story. ill be stuck at the bottom of that water so desperatly wanting the surface yet not willing to swim to the top to breathe.

youve pushed away and thrown what was there out the window. i was always there standing strong catching what was thrown from the street. knowing that if it was dismissed we might both end up lost in this game of life. i reminded you or maybe i did more convincing that you need me possibly more than i need you. the truth being the reverse or at least it has potential to be. this has the potential to be infamous if only i hadnt already doomed it from the start.

its a hard call. forever at the bottom of that water knowing that this might be the best it will ever be. or swim to the top, deal with the reality of it all, possibly watch it all fall apart and finally breathe. that moment you reach while under water where you can almost feel the air but can not yet breathe, thats the line im talking about. that line between reality and fantasy. all these ideas shared between lined sheets are fantasy. when and if i do come up for air will the reality actually cause me to drown?

but then again i guess you cant live at the bottom of the water forever... and maybe if i reach the top and take the first breath.. maybe just maybe it will be the way it should.... perfect