new butterflies.

i wished for that invitation tonight. to your house. to your bed. into your heart. just for one night. we've been getting along better than we've ever gotten along before and so naturally to me the next step would seem expected. but it never came. you made me beat around the bush for it. you made me say things that i would normally never say. you were asking me to beg for it and i just wouldn't allow myself to steep that low. but i did. because i wanted you - all of you. because i needed to feel loved. i needed to feel needed. i needed to be wanted. and yet i feel exactly the opposite, sitting alone in my room typing this. a message to someone who will never a read it. a message that will never get its point across. a message that doesn't even matter. words that i type fall on deaf ears. deep desires that will never ever come to light. bottom line i just miss that feeling. i miss the butterflies. i miss the nervousness. i miss that undeniable feeling in the pit of my stomach. i just miss everything that you made me feel. i know that all these feelings get old. i know that they're replaced by disappointment, hurt and pain. id give anything for them just once more. id take all the grief that came with them for just one more shot at redemption. id take them all for just one instance of knowing that you sat alone awake at night thinking the same thoughts that passed through me. did i ever really cause him pain? did i ever really mean anything to him? was it all every really worth it? and still even so many years later i lay awake waiting for my phone to make that distinct ring; to know that its you; to know that for tonight, you care. that you want to see me. that against all odds, it was real, if only for a moment. normally its the liquor talking, but i can tell when you've had too much and tonight i can hear it in your voice, you haven't. ill believe you have thought because i know its the only way to make it work tonight. and ill hold onto this moment as long as i can because i have nothing else to hope for. i know it will fade away. i know that it doesn't mean a thing in the mornings light. i know that tomorrows a new day and you'll be gone. but until i feel a new kind of butterfly and hope, ill cling to you for what i need to survive through each day.