it was for real and worth it

where did you go.. i miss your words and the excitement that came along with them. i miss the advice even when i didnt ask for it. i miss the compliments and the way they made me blush. does it ever stay the same? is it every really worth all the trouble? we dont even talk anymore.. did we run out of words to say? you were the one thing i looked forward to. the one thing that actually gave me hope for the future. and now its gone and it just restores thoughts i used to have. thats why i dont put my trust in things people say. i took everything with a grain of salt. after so many years.. i loved the person you thought i'd become and your dreams for what wed become. but now its gone.. dreams washed in a sink full of bleach. leaving no clues of their presence.. to the naked eye.. they never even exsisted. but to us.. we knew it was real for whats its worth.

im better when im drunk

im better when im drunk and im amazing when your wasted. the stories of our lives keep intertwining for some reason and the roads keep bringing you to me. fuck a love story this is an anti love story. it is the how to book for a bad relationship. destructive decietful and infamous. we need to make a concious effort to pull away and stay away. but hell who are we kidding.. we dont see each other for 10 years - you put us in a room together and someones walking out of there pregnant. when i wake up with arms wrapped tight around me i feel loved but thats not exactly what it is, is it? i could come to you for anything and i know youd listen with out caring, be there with out doing anything about it. its a screaming match that ends with our bodies caught up in the madness of what was once was. its a screaming match that ill never win. i cant because you dont care enough about the winner thus making me the obvious loser because i do. i just dont know how to. and now on top of everything ive become 'that girl'. the girl you call late night to whisper sweet lies in my ear and disgustingly honest truths declared out loud. "my girlfriend doesnt matter" or "me and her, were not together for real" lies i want to believe i just dont. "this is a bad idea" or "i really do love her" truths i just cant seem to let go of. but like i said im better when im drunk when i dont seem to mind about her and im amazing when your wasted because you could care less. does she even know what she has just signed up for? i think not. a road well known by me and walked several times. how long will this one last? our track records are dwindling but we dont seem to mind making our way back to that familar street once again. but just for one night not to be seen again for days, weeks, or months. but trust in this darling it will be seen again, eventually. but this time babe ill do all that i can to steer clear of that street that know our footprints all too well. ill steer clear of the road signs that bring me to it. ill steer clear of you. period. its one bad decision after another after another and i dont think i can handle anymore. so im keeping my hands out of the pot from now on. keeping my nose clean of all of the things that draw me to you. its fighting an uphill battle.. its playing a losing game. its all the things i promised i never would do again and there i am waking up in the bed i promised id never see again and would learn to forget. i hate everything you are. i hate everything you've become. i hate your face. i hate your swagger. i hate everything about you and i love it just the same. torn is exactly what i am and the fact that you tear me pulls me in more than id ever allow any one else to do. its only you. and youve made it your full time job. from now on ill be better when im drunk and ill be amazing at ignoring your calls when your wasted.... you can bet on it.

"boy youve got problem and you aint foolin no one but yourself your like a hot revolver but you aint killn no one but yourself"

its a dangerous road

its a dangerous road i travel.. although its the one most traveled, i would think. to give in would be deadly but would it be less devastating if i didnt. too much alcohol and too much thought makes it so easy for me to pick up the phone and dial the numbers ive been trying to forget. but not tonight.. i am too sober. the drinks have not given way to mindless phone calls and messages sent in the late hours of the night.

beer goggles are only supposed to blur the things you see but instead you only see yourself. and the sight is never blurred. you do for you, you look out for you, your only interestead in how you can get ahead. you dont worry about people who care for you. you look out for number one and number one only. and if the timing or place doesnt suit you then its a huge fuck you to the other persons face.

you can not even look into the eyes of the person who you are causing pain without lying. even with out eye contact you have this power to make them feel somethings really there. theres's some truth in your words, although its all deception. lies to improve you position, to get you to higher ground, while everyone else begs for help, you dont even bother to think to glance down.

i used to have control over this whole thing. i was the one pulling the reins, and i loved taking that position over you. loved every second of it. for some reason i stepped down. the numbers i didnt know are now imprinted in my mind and burn there forever. its not even the fact that the feelings arent equal on either side of the fence. its the fact that theres no respect on your part.

i'd be there in a heart beat, without thought or question if you really needed me. and the part that fucks me up is that you wouldnt do the same. although you speak words of the opposite ideals. you fill head with great fairy tales and of happy ever afters that never come true. you speak words at face value and never follow through on any of the actions needed to carry out.

you are the reason for my present failures and you are the reason i am skeptical of anything in the future. yet here i am, on a dangerous road. a road ive fallen down on and been hurt so many times before. here i stand at a fork in the road. you and my past to the left; my future to the right.

which direction will i choose?

i wish i was the better you deserved

the line between reality and fantasy is thin and you walk it with the greatest of skill. the words imprinted between lines that carry so much hope for normalcy. yearning for truth but the truth is i dont know or trust said truth. its hard to believe what is said because the words spoke cant be taken at face value. they've been said, even repeated multiple times but i cant see your eyes, the windows to the soul. those windows speak more to me than any words writtin in ink. "you deserve better than what your getting, i want to be that person." it only holds so much weight with me and that weight is slowly causing me to drown.

the problem: i enjoy drowning. the unknown scares me shitless but with said its more exciting and more of a rush than ive ever experienced before. gasping for air all while a smile remains on my face. it's a cat and mouse game, reaching for the top but never being able to find it. or maybe its just im not trying hard enough or that i dont really want to find it. but what the future holds who knows. if i finally do take that breath at the surface of this water will it be everything id hoped for or will it disappoint like each time before. i imagine the end will finish like every other tragic love story. ill be stuck at the bottom of that water so desperatly wanting the surface yet not willing to swim to the top to breathe.

youve pushed away and thrown what was there out the window. i was always there standing strong catching what was thrown from the street. knowing that if it was dismissed we might both end up lost in this game of life. i reminded you or maybe i did more convincing that you need me possibly more than i need you. the truth being the reverse or at least it has potential to be. this has the potential to be infamous if only i hadnt already doomed it from the start.

its a hard call. forever at the bottom of that water knowing that this might be the best it will ever be. or swim to the top, deal with the reality of it all, possibly watch it all fall apart and finally breathe. that moment you reach while under water where you can almost feel the air but can not yet breathe, thats the line im talking about. that line between reality and fantasy. all these ideas shared between lined sheets are fantasy. when and if i do come up for air will the reality actually cause me to drown?

but then again i guess you cant live at the bottom of the water forever... and maybe if i reach the top and take the first breath.. maybe just maybe it will be the way it should.... perfect

ill always take a beakseat to you

you know i told my sister tonight... "karmas a bitch and they'll get theirs... just because theyre a bad person towards me does not mean i need to do them wrong" she replied that i spoke the truth. you see the look on my face the desperation in my voice.. and yet still you betrayed me. you assume that everythings fine becasue thats the way i act. nothing bothers me i just let it roll off my shoulders.. bc truthfully i am the better person. i have done so much just to get twisted and turned upside down in a one sided friendship.. i have your back at a second glance and id be there for you in a heart beat. but would you do the same for me? i think not. i dont think to assume anything and i go out of my way to make our friendship equal. i want so desprately or it to be equal but it will never be the way it is in my imagination. the one time i needed you the one time i asked for you to treat me fair you couldnt even pull through for me. i have no one now to turn to.. you were my last hope and even you've abandoned me. the things you do i could never get away with.. for the things you do i would never be heard from again. i dont know what gene im missing or what i lost in the mix. apparently im missing something though or i wouldnt end up in tears every night. its 1:11 and im never home this early.. ever. you walked in and i thought you were on my side... late night and early morning phone calls and text messages gave me that idea.. apparently i was wrong. i dont know how to play the game like you do im not that good because im real and things happen and they get to me. i end up in tears for a night and the next morning i keep my mouth closed tight. because i dont want to hurt some one else. for some reason i let myself keep all the pain. i dont want other people to hurt i try to fix other people. you have that gene.. it doesnt matter to you a real person with feelings and truth behind a friendship.. you will take what you can get and leave other stranded behind.. i dont know what went wrong.. you didnt use to be like this.. you used to care but apparently youve lost that about yourself. i try so hard to be that person that fills the void in someones life or to be there in their time of need and i am. until theyre done with me and void is filled or the need is met and then im thrown out like yesterdays laundry and the only time i speak my mind is when im too many shots deep to care what anyone thinks. and in the morning ill apologize for my bluntness and ask for forgivness when really it should have been you all along. i never did anything to apologize for nor would i ever because what i consider my friends always come first. im always the first to apologize when things go bad.. im always the first to bow my head.. im always the first to conciede to a loss. i give everything and take nothing for myself.

an hour later i reflect but im just jealous. i just wish i had the skills yoi had i wish i could remove yourself the way you do. i wish i could be you.

russian roulette of the heart

i dont know how to disregard my feelings the way you have, the way you always have. the word games played and the fights that respond in my head. the fight is with myself and the only responses i have are the ones i continue to fight. seesawing on the ideas put into my head, the games you intentionally play.

you know what you do, shit, you do it on purpose. your in the devils play ground, you are the devil and Im stuck on those swings. everyone here is at war and my heart wars with my head the only way it knows how. my head won this time, but what about the time after this and after that one. the devil knows its stolen my heart more than enough times, has won out over my head over and over again. its a million to one odds and the fact that this once the head prevailed is a miracle in itself.

with you, i cant feel, im not allowed to show weakness and emotion of any kind is weakness in your eyes. if i walked away, would you notice? i think you would but youd pretend not to. you can live blindly without feeling, but i cant. ironically you were my most recent reason for living and lately youve been killing me.

you were everything i knew i wanted and nothing i ever needed. someone who could never love me yet someone who could never leave me. keeping me at an arms length and toying with me, like a moth to a flame. I know how to play your games, but i gave up games long ago. i pick things up fast and i had a good teacher. lesson one, laugh everything off. lesson two, stop caring or at least fake it. lesson three, never get attached. i know how to take your words, swallow them, regurgitate and spit them back in your face with fire. its not real, its never real and it literally destroys the insides of my mouth when it opens. but i have said it more times than not and i have almost convinced myself that the insults have truth. almost.

i was once a pretty girl with a heart of gold, now just a shell of a person surviving the only way i know how. i was always a decent liar, but youve made me a pro. i can sit and listen, i can bit bullets and bare it. I can fake it with the best of them and smile like the rest. pretend im okay and be dying inside. ive got nothing to say except congratulations. where once was hopes and dreams lies nothing but what youve helped me become.

im stuck playing russian roulette with my heart.

just the beginning.

i saw what you wanted me to and heard it all just the same . i felt everything and remember all of it. tonight i hope, these words will set me free and put you to rest....


i sit back and watch the situation at hand unfold. pretend not to care and then care too much. pay no attention at all while paying more than you realize. you talk without talking. its seen through foggy eyes and with hazy understanding, but seen all the same. your pretty good at this game, but someone forgot to inform you that I've played before. they also forgot to tell you that i am and will always be the mvp.

you were wrong when you said id forgive and forget. i didnt and i never will. dont think that things are the same because the past chooses to repeat itself. dont think that behind closed doors and under the mood lighting anything is ever the same. it is only the influence of this tiny love potion that makes any of this look so fimilar. they way its initiated, acted upon and finished are all extremely different. the mood has changed and you dont even look the same in the indentical light of before.

there was potential, or at least faked potential. behind the afternoons spent laughing, the nights wrapped in the warmth, or the mornings remeberence; i thought there was something. perhaps it was all faked but it will be infamous. who are we kidding, it always was. your great at convincing me you want me gone, im just better at believing i want to leave. your smile doesnt have the charm it used to, you arms arent as welcoming, and your kiss; not what it used to be.

ive been through this my entire life and you don't impress me. you know what your problem is, you don't realize when something good is starring you in the face. i may not have the street smarts, but im not that dumb.

you may have won a couple rounds, but the balls in my court and i will succeed.