tie it up in a neat little bow.

disappear. just disappear already. take the bag you left behind, the cell phone charger, the laptop. take it all. take the hurt and the pain you've caused over these long years. take the tears and the heartaches. take the love i gave, take the sacrifices i made. take the years of putting you first. take the presents i gave to you that you so carelessly tossed aside. take the bed you maliciously demolished. take the house we share that was left in shambles after you were done. take it all, tie it up in a neat little bow and kindly, disappear.

i cant do this anymore. you cant keep repeating this same little cycle that you have so callously developed. a way in and a way out of my heart while my eyes are closed. before i can even realize that anything has even happened. with out realizing you were ever here or ever gone. you cant just appear, smile and walk all over my heart. who ever gave you the permission?

i guess i did. i guess i said yes unknowingly. no, I'm lying. i knew what i was doing all along. i knew i was letting you in. i knew i was loosing you. sometimes that 6 hours of being held tightly or the week of loving text messages make all this pain so worth it. i just wish i could remember what i was feeling in those moments, in the moments your gone. i cant. i cant find the happiness, the security, the love. it feels like it never existed. like it was never even real. like it was something i dreamed. a distant memory. maybe that's all it ever really was, or is.

i cant tell reality from fantasy anymore. I've lost it all in this mess we've created. i wont put it all on you because i know i played apart as well. i know were both guilty in this backwards fairy tale. you for abusing what i so willing gave you and me for continuing to give again and again. and for the billionth night over the past how ever many years, your the reason I'm crying myself to sleep. silently asking when will all this be over. i don't have the strength, i thought i had it once upon a time. now i don't know how i drag myself out of bed in the morning.

something i thought i wanted, was something i thought i needed. it was neither. where were you when i cried at night? or when we lost everything we had fought for? where were you when i said i loved you? or i needed you? i remember when i gave up loving you, or at least i thought i did. one month I'm stronger than you might expect me to be. the next after seeing your face and falling victim to your dumb games I'm the epitome of a mess. look what you've done to me. mascara covered cheeks and i just cant stop.

not much has changed over the last couple of years.. sad and lonely now.. sad and lonely then. i try so hard to remember when we were happy. i sat in bed and racked my brain. i couldn't. how sad, i thought. i could not remember one full day where we just laughed. it was always this or that. one fight or another. one reason or another. one disrespectful comment after another. a forgot anniversary. a missed valentine. an abandoned date. an omitted story. a lapse of judgement. an erased phone number. a buried text message.

go somewhere. anywhere. take your bullshit with you. if you don't love me by now, you never will. baby, Ive got to see that you and me ain't meant to be. so take it all, wrap it all up in a neat little bow and disappear.

all i know is that i should...

“I don't know who I am without you, all I know is that I should. And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon me, all I know is I should...”

there was once a girl who let a boy destroy her. she tip toed on eggshells around him, he stomped and tore them to pieces. he showed her that no one would ever love her. no one would ever care for her. she was damaged and he took too much joy in the fact that he had created it. he manipulated and tore her down, it was dog eat dog and she was nothing but a bitch. he couldn't walk away without making sure she knew she was worth nothing more. she was his whore. there only for him and no matter how many times he ruined her, she was still there wanting more. it was easy prey for him. like shooting at beer cans all perfectly aligned in a row. she trusted he'd miss, he never did. a boy who needed her to need him. and she begged to be let go of, just let her go. but he never did in the past and never would. she couldn't let go; I couldn’t let go of him..

i see it in all these other girls, running back for acceptance. Good intentions and honest hearts. Trying to change a boy for the better. Trying to make him a better person. Trying, begging for him to treat them better. I've learned from experience, from hardship, its impossible to change someone without their wanting to. And even then they can only change themselves. And so I take what I have and run with it. I sadly except the fate that I have come to know as mine.

we’re going down, and you can see it too and you know that we’re doomed. i remember making love triangles in a crowded room, but now I'm included in them and they've become more complex than just a simple triangle. the shapes have morphed from triangles to pentagons, hexagons and octagons. and no one can stop their growing. its gotten incredibly messy, but you enjoy the mess. your the creator, the master mind behind all of this. and you cant help but sit back and watch the tangled web you've weaved and laugh. i don't know what I've done or even if what I like what I've become, and I cant tell if what I've gotten caught up in is killing me.

But for all the times I've walked away.. Including this one.. I've head you've missed me. Can’t you hear the rumors, Baby? you've been telling people things you shouldn't. we've got fans and stalkers, people betting against us and against the odds. i don't know whether to give them something to talk about that will shut them up or to let them keep the whisper down the lane game going. you've got dozens of text messages to use against me, but babe i have thousands. who am i to you? to me you are last night, and maybe tonight, and hopefully tomorrow night.

you rope me back in, always. with that smile, and those eyes, and that witty charm, and those terrible comments that tear me down. you know just how to build me up and destroy what you've built, and in a perfect time frame. you know that if you spend too long building me up id walk away and too much tearing me down I'd crumble. it took you a day to notice i was gone. it took me 2 to trade you in. it took you 3 more to convince me that i was wrong. and it only took me 2 hours to realize i was right the first time. i stand by my original conclusions but ill probably still go home with you tonight.

I have enough friends, I don't need one more. Yet you talked for hours about how you wanted to be friends. Told me “thank you for always being there”. That, “now you knew who your real friends were”. That, “I was the only one who was ever really there”. And the icing on the cake? “Look I love you and will never stop”. Those little eight words was all it took.. You had me again. Hook, line and sinker. But it ended with you to asking me to keep it this all a secret, but I don't really care to keep it. This is what you’ve sewn, now reap it.

i love you. i want to be with you this very second. i want to be more than an 2 am phone call. someone you call to cuddle late night. someone to help you release your frustrations. someone more than just a filler of the void your trying to satisfy. but after the 5th night of text messages letting me know you'd be back eventually i can see you were just a waste of time. a waste of space. a waste of breath. i tried to be your new confident, but i could never really keep up with you anyway.

we’ve done this too many times. when we spoke yesterday, you told me to sit and wait, to hold my breath, that you'd be home soon. id die of affixation before id see your face again. don't say your sorry. you're not and i don't care. don't pretend this isn't what you wanted; pulling me back in. you forgot i snuck a look at your play book. and i know your next move. so don't act surprised when the defensive doesn't respond accordingly.

“But you aint leaving without a fight, and I think I am just as torn inside. Cause I don't know who I am with you, all I know is that I should..”

you tell me that im beautiful but that could be a lie...

you've disappeared and resurfaced so many times i don't know which to trust anymore. there are things i want to scream. things i don't know how to hold in. things that eat at me. but I'm supposed to be politically correct here. trying to keep my feelings bottled. trying to play the game we've caught our selves in. its a tangled web and if i unwrap myself, do i fall? Why do these games control us. I plead, I beg, I surrender! Here we think they protect us but really they ruin us. They prevent us from putting ourselves out there and reaching full potential. They hinder us from speaking the words we so desperately want to scream. They obstruct the justice that leads to all redemption. How many lives have been settled without ever knowing what could have been? I want to know what could have been! You and I, could we have been?

on the lines it all feels so safe. there's no rejection there's no pain. but in a couple months from now it all comes to light. every promise we've made. every word we've written. every thing becomes real. and maybe a little to real for me to handle. do i just sit back and watch things unfold, enjoy the ride? or do i do what i normally do? do i run and hide. hide from the pain that could be sneaking right below the surface?

don't you get it? this is all your fault, you called me beautiful. i have no options left. so there you go I'm discarding my hand. face up. for the world to see. its time for you to learn that i was never bluffing. i can play this game longer than you can, but it'd mean that id have to pretend not to care as much as i actually do. fate brought us together for a reason. I'm ready to find out what that reason is. its time for that nasty leap of faith. its time to fall off that cliff. its time for all of this to make some sort of sense.

your words are gentle, even if they're lies. your tales, enchanting. you can see right through me in a way Ive never known before. your thoughts are magnetic. your past is ignominy but it doesn't phase me one bit. i could of looked the other way but then id be missing out on something insanely special. you thought i should stop this a long time ago. truth is, i couldn't.. you had me hypnotized more than you realize. more than I'd like to admit. i couldn't resist myself. i could never control myself. i couldn't pull away not even for a second.

i want to feel your body pressed with passion against mine. your lips ever so tender in places people don't speak of. i want your eyes to look through the pain and see the beauty. your hands to tickle my skin with the slightest of touch. i want your arms to make me feel safe. and i want you to make me feel like there is nothing more in this world than that very moment.

you told me i was beautiful, but everything beautiful breaks. and i fear that nothing lasts forever. but that's what i want you to promise me, forever.

fatal attraction

i sacrifice a future to live in moments. Ive heard that truly is living. i wouldn't take back a moment for anything in this world. even the blacked out ones. there are no black outs when the world watches you and absolutely no escape when its proved through photography. in one moment there was you and in the next you were gone. the world watched as we met yet fate wouldn't let it exist. there was another girl in your orbit and another boy in mine. you had plans too far gone and mine were nonexistent. Ive gotten you to leave with me, although i cant get you to stay. but there is no way out once things are set in motion and we are already set in stone. Ive tried ridding my brain of you, tried washing my hands clean. i seem okay, but you hide beneath my eyelids. and when i close them i cant help but see that silly smile. you hide in my eardrums and if i listen carefully enough i can hear that contagious laugh. just when Ive given into hope that the hide and seek is over and Ive ceased to find you, you show your self. give up that hiding spot. come to the light and let the universe see what we keep denying. there i go again, recreating our mistakes in my head. picturing your lips on my chest, hand on my thigh and you in my bed. there we go again. i want it to stop but i just cant help myself when it comes to you. Ive tried, but not really hard enough. and then like a million bricks on glass that conversation we had behind closed doors comes crashing down. the one where you told me it was over, for her. the one where you promised me you had met no one else quite like me. the one where i end up alone and she ends up your everything. truth is, i think i disguise my hurt well enough from you and the rest of the world to get by, but everyone can see it. everyone knows whats creeping between my ears or cloaked in the shades of my eyelids. they watch the smile start to appear upon my face and my eyes start to go distant. I cant help but talk to you as if you are with me, even though your probably with her. besides you're extremely bad at keeping promises and too good at lying. lets face facts here. were terrible at keeping secrets and at keeping our hands off each other. horrible at respecting the wishes of a girl who sits alone in wonder. rotten at ignoring the sparks and chemistry that fly through the room like stray bullets. dreadful at concealing the fact we both know well go home together. and disastrous at pretending this isn't what we both want. your telling me, she and you have the gravitational pull we share. impossible. that you cant keep your hands off of her. false. that you haven't met anyone else like her. unlikely. that she has the same affect on you that i do. lies. oh baby stop kidding yourself, you feel this as much as i do. I just wonder whats going to happen when someone calls our bluff, or she calls yours...

so keep playing your games. keep promising your self you'll do right next week. and keep forgiving yourself when the weeks come and go. because, that girl, sure shes pretty. but she cant keep up with me...

or us for that matter.

shes not that girl.

we all know that girl, the one that has boys on bended knees, hands to broken hearts. the girl that comes on like a tornado and leaves a mess in her path. the girl who will always leave you wanting more. she knows it too with out being aware of it. how many men have stopped at your feet and begged? how many times do you need to hear it before you believe it? how long will it take to drop the facade of insecurities? you know what you are and you know what you are capable of doing. your a smoking cigarette, and if she could she'd put you out. she turns away from the reflection in the mirror, not because she doesnt like what she sees, but because others do not. she grins and bares the pain. smiles in the face of sadness. laughs at the depression thats only slightly below the surface. she compares to no tornado and will never leave you wanting anything more than goodbye. every boy who sees you, on other hand, wants to keep you in his sight. what is it about you? is it all the insecurities? is it the perfectly painted face? is it your sarcastic remarks? what is it about you thats so goddamn addicting? you play your part well. she cant keep up. you spin your words to leave them on their edge of their seats. she doesnt know when to bite her tongue. you make promises that are too soon broken. she cant break shit. you command any room you walk into. she goes unnoticed. you are sex in high heels. she is just awkward. she wishes she had a bit of you, just a piece. maybe the look that your eyes flirtatiously flicker. maybe the brillance of the smile you flash when the joke suffers. maybe the wittyness of your remark to keep him interested. shes watched you, studied you even. she will never understand. both seem to have the same amount of insecurities. both seem to have similar flaws. so many similarities, yet oppisite outcomes. its hard to sit back for her and watch you work your magic. the magic which you take for granted. the magic you dont even see. live a day in her shoes and youd beg for your black pumps back. the magic you walk around a room with she'd kill for. just a taste, a sniff, anything for some of that magic to rub off on her. theres no magic in her path. no sparkle, no shine, no light. she'll never have that. shes will never be you. shes not that girl, but she want to be.

and you will love it

what is this. for me its the fact that you make me feel alive even though I'm dying. you make me feel as if there is a purpose to all of this. there is no one like you. not in my world. and even though my hate for you runs deep i keep running back for more. i didnt want to, i tell myself not to. but yet i don't know how to control my fingers when my hands reach for that phone. i tell myself to dial any other number in the world except yours, yet your the only number i can even remember. but you don't answer, not tonight, not yesterday, not a week ago. forget the drunken words i muttered to you as you slept. forget the promises you made to me when you were too drunk. forget the time we spent together. forget it all.

this is only what it is. and i promise that this time. to stay at an arms reach, to stay away from the world you've created for yourself. you've already fucked it up though, so answering that buzzing wont make a difference tonight or tomorrow. lets face it it never really made a difference anyway. she doesn't know and even if she did know shed fight for it. you wouldn't though. i know you too well and i promise you, you'd fight for nothing. but maybe in those drunken stupors there was honesty, there was love, there was home. if only either one of us knew how to believe in the other anymore.

i am not that girl that has boys come to me, knees to the floor and hands to broken heart. i am not a car crash that will come and suddenly destroy you. i am not a storm on a direct path. but you told me i could make the sun set. and to me it was everything. leave it to me to spin words that don't actually mean a thing. to me you said that i made the stars illuminate the Philadelphia sky. but behind the admiration in your tone there was always dishonesty in your voice. somewhere lurking not far behind, even if i needed it to be the truth. your words are too beautiful to be honest. your eyes to kind to be sincere. your touch to gentle to be real. yet i am always there to fall. i will never mind being the first or last to go to bed with you.

i know its inappropriate to talk about her and how you've intertwined the two of us, using all the same lines and tactics. but how many pretty girls have turned up on your doorstep? and how many will you turn them away with empty promises? i don't need another friend, no matter how great the promise be. friends don't lift me on to them in a mess of sheets and heavy breathing. i need someone who can stand beside me, who can scream my name and mean it.

you have a way about you that i have never seen in anyone else. i don't care if you remember that i am in your bed in the morning. or the promises you made me with the scent of alcohol on your breath. but i ask you to remember one thing, you have a way about you that keeps me hypnotized. please don't loose that enchanting glance, but please stop using it to make me believe you.

jealousy is the game now. and you know i play better than you. you may have won the first two rounds but i promise after tonight you will know how it feels to die. how many times have i mistreated you? none. how many times have you tricked me? thousands.

maybe you’re just my gateway drug, giving me a taste for the harder stuff. i was naive when we first started, and now i can’t get enough. you got me high and i descended to dependence. now my body quakes at night from vivid dreams and with drawl. now we’re playing cat and mouse, you’re the hider, i’m the seeker. now we’re running back and forth, losers weepers and finders keepers. but i always find you when i’m fucked up enough to follow you home, and lose myself in you. and oh my god, i don’t want to stop. but intervention happens every thursday, and we start all over, don’t we? i’ll try and stay in your good graces if you keep being such a bad influence. i’ll keep you in the back of my mind, if you’re brave enough to do it. i picture us sprawled across your wooden floor, riding carpets and whispering filthy words. i’ll keep you just out of reach and you’ll keep me in touch.

for the record i never wanted this. for the record i feel like this is becoming such a mess. for the record i’m having way more fun than i should be. for the record, when i’m in your arms it turns me on. for the record, i’m probably wrong to string you along. for the record, you’re sexy when you turn me down. for the record, you’re sexy when you bring me home. for the record, i will defeat you, i promise you that and you will love it.

i guess i was wrong.

i blamed everything on you. the cause of all of our problems was because of you. and when that statement is correct it doesn't give the full story. i didn't know how to love you.. for you. i could never except who you were. i wanted you to be everything i needed. everything i wanted you to be. i fought with you tooth and nail to turn you into that person. how wrong was i? you are perfect as you are. and when there are no expectations to live up to.. there is no hurt. there is no pain. you are who you are. there is nothing ti can do about that and I'm learning to except that. i needed to learn that i needed to love you for who you were and not who i thought i could make you become. i needed to love you faults and all. i needed to understand that you are not perfect and neither was i. but i thought i was especially in that relationship. now its 3 years later, you are who you always were and so am i. but now the difference is.. i know how to accept it. i know how to take it for what it is.. and we get along better than we've ever gotten along before. i cant believe that i still want you and after everything we've been through. i guess we never really moved on. and as they say whats meant to be will always find its way. you fill my head with ideas of us of a future. i want so badly to believe them. your more mature and me I'm more understanding. i don't know if that means we'd work but i think its worth watching it play out. only god knows what is in the cards for us. and regardless of what hand is played i love the ideas you have for us. i love that you do and have always accepted me as i was and as i am. I'm sorry that i didn't do that for you. i promise from now on you get nothing but understanding and love. you are who you are i can not change you and truthfully i would have never wanted to.