you had me.

here i sit cold and alone. you did this too me. no one else. just you. to imagine that some one else had the power over me to make me feel so very alone in the world is astonishing to me. you provided me with dream after dream. gave a me a reason to believe, and things to hope for. promised me a brand new beginning. and just like all the others left me stranded alone. wishing for something it could never be. wishing for something more than it ever was. i stood proud and true on those words you wrote and believed in each promise you made. i think deep down i knew none was ever true. i made myself a believer, for i had nothing else to reach for. you were everything i hoped for, everything i dreamed about. but they were just words weren't they. its true what they say isn't it.. actions speak way louder than words. yours did at least. I've given up all hope. all belief. in something so real, something so incredible. they were all just lines weren't they? ones you've practiced over that years. they were perfection, weren't they? they had me fooled. you had me convinced. i knew it was too good to believe. i wanted so badly to believe though. i wanted everything you wrote to be the honest truth that i made it become so. your just like the rest of them aren't you? just like everything you promised against? everything i needed you not to be. well u had me at your word. you had me at "freckles". you had me.

new butterflies.

i wished for that invitation tonight. to your house. to your bed. into your heart. just for one night. we've been getting along better than we've ever gotten along before and so naturally to me the next step would seem expected. but it never came. you made me beat around the bush for it. you made me say things that i would normally never say. you were asking me to beg for it and i just wouldn't allow myself to steep that low. but i did. because i wanted you - all of you. because i needed to feel loved. i needed to feel needed. i needed to be wanted. and yet i feel exactly the opposite, sitting alone in my room typing this. a message to someone who will never a read it. a message that will never get its point across. a message that doesn't even matter. words that i type fall on deaf ears. deep desires that will never ever come to light. bottom line i just miss that feeling. i miss the butterflies. i miss the nervousness. i miss that undeniable feeling in the pit of my stomach. i just miss everything that you made me feel. i know that all these feelings get old. i know that they're replaced by disappointment, hurt and pain. id give anything for them just once more. id take all the grief that came with them for just one more shot at redemption. id take them all for just one instance of knowing that you sat alone awake at night thinking the same thoughts that passed through me. did i ever really cause him pain? did i ever really mean anything to him? was it all every really worth it? and still even so many years later i lay awake waiting for my phone to make that distinct ring; to know that its you; to know that for tonight, you care. that you want to see me. that against all odds, it was real, if only for a moment. normally its the liquor talking, but i can tell when you've had too much and tonight i can hear it in your voice, you haven't. ill believe you have thought because i know its the only way to make it work tonight. and ill hold onto this moment as long as i can because i have nothing else to hope for. i know it will fade away. i know that it doesn't mean a thing in the mornings light. i know that tomorrows a new day and you'll be gone. but until i feel a new kind of butterfly and hope, ill cling to you for what i need to survive through each day.

back to you

your clinging to me with just the slightest of hold but still clinging no less. dangling me like a toy. keeping me just out of arms reach. and just when i think you've let go you grab hold again. well I'm not the same girl you used to know but the parts of me that you have affected have never changed. you still have that hold, can still keep me wanting more, and most importantly i cant let it go. i still get lost in your eyes. i still loose myself in your arms. and your whispers still make me tremble. sometimes i watch the world go by and i wonder what its like to be you. to wake up with a smile on your face each day. we both know you never tried, we both know that we cant change anything, we both know that it will happen again and well have to face it. well find ourselves in this predicament again and again, without any hesitation on your part but there is always at least a little on mine. but it never stops me. and then when all is said and done I'm there, lying lonely surrounded by you. i realize id be out of line telling you to leave her, but i want whats yours and i want whats mine. i want it all and i want nothing. i want you. you are the only question i need answered. i would never admit to not being over you. i would never let the words slip. that's why i write knowing my thoughts will never leave this room. i don't want to stay but i cant seem to find my legs to go. my head wants me to slam the door but my heart aches to stay as close as i can be. i cant go home because i don't want to be alone and i cant stay because i don't want to feel alone. and then you told me everything i wanted to hear and that brought me back to you. you looked at me and whispered my name like you were thinking of times when you and i were you and me. so what if i said what i was thinking, would that be too much? its like my body physically needs to be next to you, needs to share every breath with you, needs to look in to your eyes and witness your smile. then just when you've got me, you loosen your grip a little and eventually i loose the neediness. i loose the want. i loose the desire. and just as its all about to slip away you regain every bit of hold you ever had on me. give me one good reason to stay... ‘nothing better to do?’ - wrong. ‘we haven't been together in forever’ - wrong. ‘my girlfriends not here’ - wrong. you. plain and simple. you've always been my reason. but i don't want to waste another moment saying things we never meant to say. there is no use, your lies have now become your truths, and i just want to loose myself in you. but once I'm gone there is still a part of me that feels so empty. that's where you live inside of me. in that loneliness. in that sacredness. its reserved for you and for the memories. and as the days go by ill wish for everything to have changed, when deep down in that place i know its all the same. your grip will ease and then just as I'm about to free myself you'll regain your strength. and ill will have found my way back to you.

all it took...

congratulations. you did it again. you caught me. i almost had it. i put the phone down and ignored its constant vibrations. i turned my back, walked away and left you standing in the rain, lost and alone. but i did it and at that moment - a moment i had dreamed about - i didn't feel the way i thought i was supposed to feel. at that moment i was supposed to feel strong and proud yet i felt the opposite. everything in me wanted to turn around and go with you but i fought against it. i did what i knew was right but it all felt so wrong. and you cried and yelled and acted just the way i remembered and knew you would. threw your arms in the air and screamed. disrespected me and made me feel so low the way only you know how to. and then it all changed. you did something so out of character for you - something so impossible for me to imagine. you apologized. you admitted you were wrong that you had acted out of immaturity. insane. unbelievable. at that moment you had me. and i had you so easily forgotten the minute before. but you accomplished what i had been pretending was the impossible. but i jumped at the chance to make that moment of your honest caring real. i wanted to hold on to it forever and never let go. you cared you actually cared, actually saw that i cared and it affected you. and so there we stand - together again and perfectly content with that. and although my brain battles my heart every time this happens it just feels right. fingers intertwined, legs wrapped around and nothing to take us away from this. the evening didn't take us where you expected or hoped it to, yet it took me exactly there. you were gentle and sweet, perfectly perfect. imagine you were even that perfect without a drop of alcohol. but it all has to come to an end and i know its not reality. i know that when i leave your bed i have to go back to the lying and deceit that comes with knowing your name and going to bed with you here and there. and if i so happen to end up in that spot next to you on that bed, ill probably go onto regret it. but today for the first time in a long time i feel good about it and its not killing me. you were finally who i wanted you to be, if only for twenty four hours, you were who i needed you to be and believe it or not, all it took was me walking away.

this is war.

this is war; every line is about who i don't want to write about anymore. we stole the night and took those mornings for granted. rolled together intertwined and bound by satin sheets. snuck away into dark corners that were obviously public. made promises we knew we'd never keep and swore to ones that were never true. this is the way its supposed to be; just like every other before and the ones that will follow. i was all you ever wanted, all the things every other girl promised to be. you were nothing i needed and everything every other boy had failed to be. we weren't supposed to be together, like someone forcing magnets together with similar charges. but we worked. amazingly and wonderfully.. and tragically.. it worked. but as they say all good things must come to an end. and baby ours was tragic and sudden. the fantasies were stripped and the ideals for the perfect ending where stolen away. those promises we made that we wouldn't keep; we didn't. and things we swore to that were never true; actually weren't. i just wanted to let you know that i had hope baby, i had hope. and sometimes that's all you need, but i feel like its all i ever have. in the end it always happens the same and i believe it always will. i will live and die with hope and with nothing else. its romantic and wishful and fantastically dishonest. ask me baby, what its like to have this all so figured out.. i wish i knew. i don't believe in love stories.. i don't believe in cliches. the movies and the TV shows that have happy endings, its bullshit. happy endings don't exist and i knew that when i met you. the words you spoke and the endless ideas of us made me nervous. ideas that i knew real life would actually never let come true. but i never thought that it would end like this.. well maybe i did. maybe i always believed that it would end in misery and that's why i never would consent to your wishes and demands. i rebelled, but we both know i have that problem. everything we were was controversial but we both know no one can do controversy better. this was the beginning of everything i wanted and ended before we ever even got started. my fingers are the only muscles in my body at this point which are stronger than my heart. this is the reason were alone. this is the rise and fall before it ever began. this is war; every line is about who i never even knew.