if we never meet again...

I go out to crowded clubs trying to forget what we ever had. It never works. It makes me miss you more than you'll ever know. Especially after you sweet talk the shit out of me. You can't play the bad guy and the good guy in the same movie.. The joker is never batman in the end!
This needs to stop you need to make your mind up kid. As soon as I'm done with you, as soon as your an after thought, as soon as I've forgotten your name.. You pop back up. And of course you know just the right time to do so. Of course you know just the right words to say. And of course you play it off so well that it makes me hate you even more.
I hate you so much I love you.. And that fact I can not and will not admit to myself. I don't care what the situation. And god forbid I admit anything to you. It normally just ends up getting thrown back in my face anyway.. So what's the point? Your nervous around me because you miss me, you miss me because you like me.. Lines? Is that all that that is? Because that's what it sounds like. And I'm sick of playing games!
I'm too old for this nonsense and if I am it means you defiantly are. Time to grow up. Time to put your big boy pants on and start acting like an adult. But you think I'm too serious and i think your full of shit. so will we ever see things the way they're meant to be seen?
who knows? who ever knows anything really? and am i so wrong to feel the way i do about you? i know my friends would say yes. you fucking did this. not me, you. you caused this riff between us. when i had no one else to turn too i always had you. and now we hardly speak.. so what does hat say about us?
was there too much passion? did we care too much, that we got hurt this bad? both of us in our own right. me because you left me and you because i refused to put up with it? was it just too much? or was it exactly what both of us needed.. at that time or forever? i guess now well never know? 
and so is life.. a century or so of unanswered questions.. of truths untold.. of what if's and what the fucks. this is what we strive for the questions.. the passion.. the pain. if there was none, there would be no answers.. no happiness.. no satisfaction. so it is what it is.. 
ill miss you every day until we meet again, if that day should ever come. i know that we will forever be apart of each others lives.. but in the way both of us are hoping for? who knows? all we can do is watch the story play out and hope for the best. fuck, and if it doesn't..well..  it was nice knowing you...

Hey, dont read this..

there was once a boy who came into my life so undetected but left like a tornado that took no vengence for anything that was in its path. but the only thing in his path was me, unsuspecting and way too niiave. But he took my innocence and crushed it like the eggshells i tip toed on to get to him. he took every word i spoke and twisted it. took every truth i had and bent it. any words i spoke were taken in by him chewed up and spit back in my face but with malice that they never initionally had. he took everything in me and delivered me to severence.

but he taught me things in our short time, he showed me tons. he showed me that you always have to look out for number one, and it was every man for himself. its dog eat dog, and i am nothing but a bitch. his minipulation was worthy of a pulitzer.

you played me. you may not see it through your eyes, but thats the only way i can see it. sat there and played both sides of the fence. shaped words to sound exactly as i wanted or needed them too. a master crafter saying exactly what i wanted without even saying a word at all. i was easy prey, i was a slow moving target. and i guess for your big change of life, i was the perfect first victim. i was someone who cared too much, i cared enough to both of us and therefore i fit perfectly into your plan.. you didnt have to care at all. no feelings, no emotions, no anything in return. but thats not the real you and i know that. but i stood there with that apple on my head, hoping youd hit it after missing every time before.

I should have taken notes and taken notice and taken you for what you were worth. Just a boy who needed a girl to need him. With mascara stained cheeks I fell to my knees begging you to not need me. you had taken everything and that I had. i even had a white blood cell count to prove it. But it was too late, the vampire in you had already consumed me, and I was changed.

youve been an extremely bad boy, youve been careless with a delicate girl. and its a sad day when you will break a girl just because you can. i dont know how much time has passed, but i know it feel like forever. it was only just a dream after all wasnt it? an experiment on your part. well i guess it was on both parts. you just got the conclusion you were looking for and i got tears. i got two broken friendships, days of laying in a dark room, and an ending i did not expect but should of seen coming a mile away. i mean that is the reason i didnt agree to this in the first place.

but you got me, had me, hypnotized me. got in my head and invaded like a disease. its my fault really, not yours; you warned me. but i never warned you… i fall hard. and i did. i fall fast. and i did. i have a million emotions that i just cant silience. so i paid the price and ill keep paying. doll, im still mad as hell. but, i climb slowly and eventually ill be back on top, i need to stop living my life like the next day will never come..

A shallow grave isnt too hard to redig

i think about you a lot lately. i think about what could have been or why on the fateful night we reconnected. i wonder why i didn’t slap your face or spit in it after the hurt and pain you caused. why i didn’t just keep walking past your lovely face. why i even tried to run into you. or why i answered the phone call that has now lead to all of this thinking.

you betrayed my trust, betrayed my love. destroyed everything i thought i believed in. so i walked. i deleted you from my phone, my laptop, but first and foremost my life. i avoided places you were and stopped seeing friends who were seeing you. you were dead to me. did not exist anymore. a ghost of an old nightmare i fell asleep to at night. a shadowy figure who lurked in a not so long ago past. all the less you were gone.

here and there you’d make an appearance in my dreams or my thoughts but id erase you faster then i could say your name. and than that fateful night the first of the year and there you were. not a ghost, no shadowy figure, you were there flesh and blood in front of me smiling back at me. and with all the thoughts i had of doing harm towards you or the mean things id scream in your face when put in this situation were suddenly gone and only a silly smile lay plastered to my face. its funny how things we have planned out so perfectly seem to fade when the chance actually arises.

so there we stood face to face smiling like children, and then you kissed me. but the timing wasnt right. it had been right 8 months ago. the timing was right the kissing was perfect, but there was her and i stood no chance against her tactics. but that kiss on the first of the year, the mulitple ones we shared. they made me miss what we once were. but my flavor of the month showed up and made you quite awkward, which was cute because normally you act so tough. but i could see it in your face you did not like this man i was going to be bedding tonight after i had just shared that passionate moment seconds before.

did this mean that you then had to rub in my face what you had with this she devil you left me for. because the following night, before we had even decided to be friends, only after a couple of drunken kisses, it was me you came to confide in. “she broke my heart”, “me and her are the romeo and juliet story”, “we want to be with each other but its just impossible”. I get the pain your going through, more than you probably know. you caused that pain on me. you left me hurt and destroyed for another girl and karma is a bitch and this whole thing proved it, she in turn left you for another former love. what comes around goes around and you got what was coming to you. an eye for an eye… a heartbreak for a heartbreak. i do not i repeat i do not in anyway feel sorry for you.

and so i told you last night. well see what happens. i shouldn’t even be dealing with you. i should have kept you a ghost of a now remembered past. kept that shadowy figure in the shallow grave i had buried you in. but your back now and with a vengeance. well shall see what happens. only time will tell but if you continue to play the feel sorry for me card, that grave will soon have residence again.

a new story

the story has gotten old, the words are so stale that i can taste them on my tongue. it hasn’t changed in years, yet people are still asking details. well I’m about to throw them all for one hell of a loop. the stories they were used to hearing, the same old, its suddenly changing and at rapid pace. i have written and spoke for years about you, who, i just couldn’t get away from. but the tides are changing. i don’t think you’re ready to be let go of and me, well im scampering to get away. now there’s someone else..

Ive learned somethings over the past decade darling. Ive grown and become quite an intelligent woman. at some point i realized that i have done too much for you, that the only next possible step is to stop. i need to leave you alone doll. I’m walking away. I’m not giving up and don’t say i didn’t try. Ive just finally drawn the line between determination and desperation. what is truly mine will eventually be mine and what is not, no matter how hard i try will never be.

I will never find the right person, if i cant let go of the wrong one. so this story is a new one. nothing like ive ever encountered before. i have to physically stop myself from uttering his name in every sentence that leaves my lips. they say a mans biggest mistake is giving another man an opportunity to make his woman smile. you’ve done that my dear. and I have tears in my eyes from the laughter hes caused.

but this too shall not be a love story because i am tragic and I’m sure somehow this will all blow up before its even started. but at least now Ive realized i finally deserve better than Ive been receiving. hes my friend, hes my lover, and he actually thinks about how things may affect me before he even realizes its what he wants to do. im sure ill screw it up somehow. but lets face facts I’m infamous for this. but at least hes not you and that in itself is a big deal. hes not gorgeous, hes not super human. but hes not you. he treats me the way a woman of my stature should be treated.

the games have begun between me and him. but I’m looking forward to strategic moves with someone new at the other end of the gad damn table. the chess game of love has gone on too long between us and its time for me to scream check mate. so I’m surrendering, waving my white flag. but Ive been everywhere looking for a new opponent. and Ive found one.

so let the games begin…

is it really settling?

A man sat down in my chair one day and within the time span it took me to finish his hair cut, i had heard his life story. Or maybe i should say what he thought was the most important part of his life story. it was a love story but it did not end well, at least for him. He was South American, i do not remember the exact country, and the woman he loved was as well. She danced for the ballet company in this country just as an extra when they had met. They loved each other, a love they had never known before and at least in his case, after, either.

They spent several years together, just loving one another and loving love. but as they grew, as couples often do they grew apart. this was mostly due to her traveling a lot with the ballet company. the more she travelled; the further they grew apart, until finally there was no more of their 'us'. As the years carried on, so did the women in his life. he was married twice, both ending in divorce and there were many lovers here and there and in between.

nearing the end of his hair cut he turned to me and grabbed my arm. with a seriousness in his voice and a sternness in his eyes, i could see he meant what he was about to say. he told me that men get one love. only one great love in their lives. no more, no less. because women are emotional creatures, they fall under loves spell easier. but for men this is not the case. they get one love he reminded me, "don't let yours pass you by", as he walked out of the door. I'll never forget this man, i will never forget his words. i will never forget his warning.

but what if he was wrong. what if women as well only get one true great love. and what happens if we don't know this one true love is that one until after he has passed and the door at loves chance is closed? The man had a point, i know that i can and will love again, but like that? can that happen? can i exist for a man the way i did for you? your every mood was my mood. if you flew i was already flying.

but things this good don't last. and just like the old mans tales of woe, we too grew apart. but i believe in fate, i believe the things that happened and the things that were said were all supposed to. a predetermined destiny. you needed less from me and i needed way more than you could give at the time. I was moody, irrational, emotional, and a little crazy. you were too straight forward, fast, undefined, and limitless. i hated everything about you and yet i loved you more deeply than i loved myself.

but the years have caught up with us now. you've slowed, I've grown; you've found boundaries, I've calmed my nerves; we've changed for the better, both of us. and we find each other at this intersection. a cross roads, where do we go from here?

I 'm scared of settling. I'm scared that if we do end up where we started that i would just be settling. That i wouldn't be reaching my loves true potential. But just as that man had given me some advice on a life full or not full of love, a wise woman once told me..

"We must build a bridge between our dreams and who

we are. That's why most people never find love, because

our dreams get in the way. Love is about acceptance.

It's about settling. Settling is the greatest triumph.

It's easy to love a great man, if you can even find one

and if he loves you back, but real love for real people

that means loving despite...."

So maybe I wouldn't be settling.. maybe I;m being triumphant of love.

chasing the dragon

it all ends up repeating itself. it all comes full circle. it always comes back to you. every road ive traveled every path ive taken its always lead back to you. i cant seem to break away. i cant tell if its a good or a bad thing. i cant make out with fate is trying to tell me. i cant see how this ends up. were not supposed to be together. we dont play well together but were terrible apart. you told me a long time ago we would eventually end up together but i drive you crazy and you drive me away. maybe when you whispered all those words and promises, you werent lying. maybe we are supposed to be together. i dont ever see it working out the way i hope for. the way a mature relationship is supposed to be. the way i know were meant to. its all so back and forth. its all just so confusing. your three thousand miles away and i cant seem to get you out of my head.

i want something new. something different. i need to break away. this isn't healthy. i cant keep doing this to myself. i want everything. but i know that i will never get what i want from someone new with you in the back ground. and you wont disappear. just when i think you've gone and left me, you pop back up. come into the picture when you'd been out of the frame for so long. just when i don't need you i need you more than you know. don’t you understand? i want that cant eat, cant sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence world series kind of love. and with you i wont ever have it so why do i still keep coming back for more. why do i subject myself to this kind of pain. why is it so hard to rid myself of you?

and then i realized, the hard is what makes it great. that's it plain and simple. if it was easy there wouldn't be any point. nothing to gain, no pleasure, no reward. im chasing the dragon but its always just out of reach. chasing the feelings you only grant me with ever so seldom. you know how to manipulate the situation to keep me coming back. you keep it hard so I'm begging for more. for your approval. for your touch. for you.

i cant do this anymore, but i know i will.

the seven year itch..

“there’s always one that gets away the one that sneaks up on you and then sneaks away.. yea the one that got away”

everyone could see that it was awkward. it wasn’t just me. the tension thick enough to cut with a butter knife. and what for? why should there be tension between two people that shared everything. there is not one time looking back on the past seven years where we didn’t one hundred percent honestly share and converse. or at least i thought…

on lined paper, it had all happened so easily. almost too easily, the progression from friends to lovers. i cant even remember when we crossed that line. closer to each other than anyone that came before and although we lay in separate beds across state lines, i felt your presence constantly with me. and yet here we find ourselves, together on the cold living room floor. our bodies have never been closer and yet we’ve never been further apart. i wonder what happened? did what we have once upon a time run its course? have we run out of things to say to one another?

i wasn’t the only one who felt it, you felt the emptiness too. and after seven years, it only took a month and a half, three weekends to realize what it was, wasn’t what we thought. and that meant, at least for me, all of my deepest fears came true. that every word i had ever written about us left paper and became reality. seven years of the most intimate details, the most intense feelings, the strongest love.. seven years to just crash and burn. seven years for what? another friend? i don’t need another friend. i have plenty of friends, and i don’t like most of them. but you, you i loved.

there was so much passion behind your words. i felt your heart through those letters. and yet, so many broken promises and unanswered question left after everything. i feel like we didn’t even try. no i’m lying, i feel like you never tried. freedom came crashing down and tore us apart before we even started. you always told me i deserved better than what i seemed to find time after time. yet you turned around and didn’t even attempt to prove that you were any different. i thought you were going to prove me wrong. i should have seen the red flags, saved them and then when there were too many to count, traded them in for someone better. but i am loyal to a fault and i honestly would of given you every chance in the world to prove me wrong about love. i guess what i was wrong about was you.

Do you even remember me? i used to be the person you wanted to talk to most and the person you got sad over when you hadn’t heard from me. the person you wished to be with day and night. i used to be your first thought in the morning and your last one before your eyes shut for the night. the girl that filled your dreams, and fantasies, and your fools paradise. i used to be the girl that you wanted to make smile and do everything in your power to make sure i would never cry. i used to be the most beautiful girl in the world to you. yeah, i used to be that girl.. do you even remember me?

seven years, full of promise, hope, love turned into seven years, filled with lies, deception, bullshit.