a new story

the story has gotten old, the words are so stale that i can taste them on my tongue. it hasn’t changed in years, yet people are still asking details. well I’m about to throw them all for one hell of a loop. the stories they were used to hearing, the same old, its suddenly changing and at rapid pace. i have written and spoke for years about you, who, i just couldn’t get away from. but the tides are changing. i don’t think you’re ready to be let go of and me, well im scampering to get away. now there’s someone else..

Ive learned somethings over the past decade darling. Ive grown and become quite an intelligent woman. at some point i realized that i have done too much for you, that the only next possible step is to stop. i need to leave you alone doll. I’m walking away. I’m not giving up and don’t say i didn’t try. Ive just finally drawn the line between determination and desperation. what is truly mine will eventually be mine and what is not, no matter how hard i try will never be.

I will never find the right person, if i cant let go of the wrong one. so this story is a new one. nothing like ive ever encountered before. i have to physically stop myself from uttering his name in every sentence that leaves my lips. they say a mans biggest mistake is giving another man an opportunity to make his woman smile. you’ve done that my dear. and I have tears in my eyes from the laughter hes caused.

but this too shall not be a love story because i am tragic and I’m sure somehow this will all blow up before its even started. but at least now Ive realized i finally deserve better than Ive been receiving. hes my friend, hes my lover, and he actually thinks about how things may affect me before he even realizes its what he wants to do. im sure ill screw it up somehow. but lets face facts I’m infamous for this. but at least hes not you and that in itself is a big deal. hes not gorgeous, hes not super human. but hes not you. he treats me the way a woman of my stature should be treated.

the games have begun between me and him. but I’m looking forward to strategic moves with someone new at the other end of the gad damn table. the chess game of love has gone on too long between us and its time for me to scream check mate. so I’m surrendering, waving my white flag. but Ive been everywhere looking for a new opponent. and Ive found one.

so let the games begin…

is it really settling?

A man sat down in my chair one day and within the time span it took me to finish his hair cut, i had heard his life story. Or maybe i should say what he thought was the most important part of his life story. it was a love story but it did not end well, at least for him. He was South American, i do not remember the exact country, and the woman he loved was as well. She danced for the ballet company in this country just as an extra when they had met. They loved each other, a love they had never known before and at least in his case, after, either.

They spent several years together, just loving one another and loving love. but as they grew, as couples often do they grew apart. this was mostly due to her traveling a lot with the ballet company. the more she travelled; the further they grew apart, until finally there was no more of their 'us'. As the years carried on, so did the women in his life. he was married twice, both ending in divorce and there were many lovers here and there and in between.

nearing the end of his hair cut he turned to me and grabbed my arm. with a seriousness in his voice and a sternness in his eyes, i could see he meant what he was about to say. he told me that men get one love. only one great love in their lives. no more, no less. because women are emotional creatures, they fall under loves spell easier. but for men this is not the case. they get one love he reminded me, "don't let yours pass you by", as he walked out of the door. I'll never forget this man, i will never forget his words. i will never forget his warning.

but what if he was wrong. what if women as well only get one true great love. and what happens if we don't know this one true love is that one until after he has passed and the door at loves chance is closed? The man had a point, i know that i can and will love again, but like that? can that happen? can i exist for a man the way i did for you? your every mood was my mood. if you flew i was already flying.

but things this good don't last. and just like the old mans tales of woe, we too grew apart. but i believe in fate, i believe the things that happened and the things that were said were all supposed to. a predetermined destiny. you needed less from me and i needed way more than you could give at the time. I was moody, irrational, emotional, and a little crazy. you were too straight forward, fast, undefined, and limitless. i hated everything about you and yet i loved you more deeply than i loved myself.

but the years have caught up with us now. you've slowed, I've grown; you've found boundaries, I've calmed my nerves; we've changed for the better, both of us. and we find each other at this intersection. a cross roads, where do we go from here?

I 'm scared of settling. I'm scared that if we do end up where we started that i would just be settling. That i wouldn't be reaching my loves true potential. But just as that man had given me some advice on a life full or not full of love, a wise woman once told me..

"We must build a bridge between our dreams and who

we are. That's why most people never find love, because

our dreams get in the way. Love is about acceptance.

It's about settling. Settling is the greatest triumph.

It's easy to love a great man, if you can even find one

and if he loves you back, but real love for real people

that means loving despite...."

So maybe I wouldn't be settling.. maybe I;m being triumphant of love.

chasing the dragon

it all ends up repeating itself. it all comes full circle. it always comes back to you. every road ive traveled every path ive taken its always lead back to you. i cant seem to break away. i cant tell if its a good or a bad thing. i cant make out with fate is trying to tell me. i cant see how this ends up. were not supposed to be together. we dont play well together but were terrible apart. you told me a long time ago we would eventually end up together but i drive you crazy and you drive me away. maybe when you whispered all those words and promises, you werent lying. maybe we are supposed to be together. i dont ever see it working out the way i hope for. the way a mature relationship is supposed to be. the way i know were meant to. its all so back and forth. its all just so confusing. your three thousand miles away and i cant seem to get you out of my head.

i want something new. something different. i need to break away. this isn't healthy. i cant keep doing this to myself. i want everything. but i know that i will never get what i want from someone new with you in the back ground. and you wont disappear. just when i think you've gone and left me, you pop back up. come into the picture when you'd been out of the frame for so long. just when i don't need you i need you more than you know. don’t you understand? i want that cant eat, cant sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence world series kind of love. and with you i wont ever have it so why do i still keep coming back for more. why do i subject myself to this kind of pain. why is it so hard to rid myself of you?

and then i realized, the hard is what makes it great. that's it plain and simple. if it was easy there wouldn't be any point. nothing to gain, no pleasure, no reward. im chasing the dragon but its always just out of reach. chasing the feelings you only grant me with ever so seldom. you know how to manipulate the situation to keep me coming back. you keep it hard so I'm begging for more. for your approval. for your touch. for you.

i cant do this anymore, but i know i will.

the seven year itch..

“there’s always one that gets away the one that sneaks up on you and then sneaks away.. yea the one that got away”

everyone could see that it was awkward. it wasn’t just me. the tension thick enough to cut with a butter knife. and what for? why should there be tension between two people that shared everything. there is not one time looking back on the past seven years where we didn’t one hundred percent honestly share and converse. or at least i thought…

on lined paper, it had all happened so easily. almost too easily, the progression from friends to lovers. i cant even remember when we crossed that line. closer to each other than anyone that came before and although we lay in separate beds across state lines, i felt your presence constantly with me. and yet here we find ourselves, together on the cold living room floor. our bodies have never been closer and yet we’ve never been further apart. i wonder what happened? did what we have once upon a time run its course? have we run out of things to say to one another?

i wasn’t the only one who felt it, you felt the emptiness too. and after seven years, it only took a month and a half, three weekends to realize what it was, wasn’t what we thought. and that meant, at least for me, all of my deepest fears came true. that every word i had ever written about us left paper and became reality. seven years of the most intimate details, the most intense feelings, the strongest love.. seven years to just crash and burn. seven years for what? another friend? i don’t need another friend. i have plenty of friends, and i don’t like most of them. but you, you i loved.

there was so much passion behind your words. i felt your heart through those letters. and yet, so many broken promises and unanswered question left after everything. i feel like we didn’t even try. no i’m lying, i feel like you never tried. freedom came crashing down and tore us apart before we even started. you always told me i deserved better than what i seemed to find time after time. yet you turned around and didn’t even attempt to prove that you were any different. i thought you were going to prove me wrong. i should have seen the red flags, saved them and then when there were too many to count, traded them in for someone better. but i am loyal to a fault and i honestly would of given you every chance in the world to prove me wrong about love. i guess what i was wrong about was you.

Do you even remember me? i used to be the person you wanted to talk to most and the person you got sad over when you hadn’t heard from me. the person you wished to be with day and night. i used to be your first thought in the morning and your last one before your eyes shut for the night. the girl that filled your dreams, and fantasies, and your fools paradise. i used to be the girl that you wanted to make smile and do everything in your power to make sure i would never cry. i used to be the most beautiful girl in the world to you. yeah, i used to be that girl.. do you even remember me?

seven years, full of promise, hope, love turned into seven years, filled with lies, deception, bullshit.

tie it up in a neat little bow.

disappear. just disappear already. take the bag you left behind, the cell phone charger, the laptop. take it all. take the hurt and the pain you've caused over these long years. take the tears and the heartaches. take the love i gave, take the sacrifices i made. take the years of putting you first. take the presents i gave to you that you so carelessly tossed aside. take the bed you maliciously demolished. take the house we share that was left in shambles after you were done. take it all, tie it up in a neat little bow and kindly, disappear.

i cant do this anymore. you cant keep repeating this same little cycle that you have so callously developed. a way in and a way out of my heart while my eyes are closed. before i can even realize that anything has even happened. with out realizing you were ever here or ever gone. you cant just appear, smile and walk all over my heart. who ever gave you the permission?

i guess i did. i guess i said yes unknowingly. no, I'm lying. i knew what i was doing all along. i knew i was letting you in. i knew i was loosing you. sometimes that 6 hours of being held tightly or the week of loving text messages make all this pain so worth it. i just wish i could remember what i was feeling in those moments, in the moments your gone. i cant. i cant find the happiness, the security, the love. it feels like it never existed. like it was never even real. like it was something i dreamed. a distant memory. maybe that's all it ever really was, or is.

i cant tell reality from fantasy anymore. I've lost it all in this mess we've created. i wont put it all on you because i know i played apart as well. i know were both guilty in this backwards fairy tale. you for abusing what i so willing gave you and me for continuing to give again and again. and for the billionth night over the past how ever many years, your the reason I'm crying myself to sleep. silently asking when will all this be over. i don't have the strength, i thought i had it once upon a time. now i don't know how i drag myself out of bed in the morning.

something i thought i wanted, was something i thought i needed. it was neither. where were you when i cried at night? or when we lost everything we had fought for? where were you when i said i loved you? or i needed you? i remember when i gave up loving you, or at least i thought i did. one month I'm stronger than you might expect me to be. the next after seeing your face and falling victim to your dumb games I'm the epitome of a mess. look what you've done to me. mascara covered cheeks and i just cant stop.

not much has changed over the last couple of years.. sad and lonely now.. sad and lonely then. i try so hard to remember when we were happy. i sat in bed and racked my brain. i couldn't. how sad, i thought. i could not remember one full day where we just laughed. it was always this or that. one fight or another. one reason or another. one disrespectful comment after another. a forgot anniversary. a missed valentine. an abandoned date. an omitted story. a lapse of judgement. an erased phone number. a buried text message.

go somewhere. anywhere. take your bullshit with you. if you don't love me by now, you never will. baby, Ive got to see that you and me ain't meant to be. so take it all, wrap it all up in a neat little bow and disappear.

all i know is that i should...

“I don't know who I am without you, all I know is that I should. And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon me, all I know is I should...”

there was once a girl who let a boy destroy her. she tip toed on eggshells around him, he stomped and tore them to pieces. he showed her that no one would ever love her. no one would ever care for her. she was damaged and he took too much joy in the fact that he had created it. he manipulated and tore her down, it was dog eat dog and she was nothing but a bitch. he couldn't walk away without making sure she knew she was worth nothing more. she was his whore. there only for him and no matter how many times he ruined her, she was still there wanting more. it was easy prey for him. like shooting at beer cans all perfectly aligned in a row. she trusted he'd miss, he never did. a boy who needed her to need him. and she begged to be let go of, just let her go. but he never did in the past and never would. she couldn't let go; I couldn’t let go of him..

i see it in all these other girls, running back for acceptance. Good intentions and honest hearts. Trying to change a boy for the better. Trying to make him a better person. Trying, begging for him to treat them better. I've learned from experience, from hardship, its impossible to change someone without their wanting to. And even then they can only change themselves. And so I take what I have and run with it. I sadly except the fate that I have come to know as mine.

we’re going down, and you can see it too and you know that we’re doomed. i remember making love triangles in a crowded room, but now I'm included in them and they've become more complex than just a simple triangle. the shapes have morphed from triangles to pentagons, hexagons and octagons. and no one can stop their growing. its gotten incredibly messy, but you enjoy the mess. your the creator, the master mind behind all of this. and you cant help but sit back and watch the tangled web you've weaved and laugh. i don't know what I've done or even if what I like what I've become, and I cant tell if what I've gotten caught up in is killing me.

But for all the times I've walked away.. Including this one.. I've head you've missed me. Can’t you hear the rumors, Baby? you've been telling people things you shouldn't. we've got fans and stalkers, people betting against us and against the odds. i don't know whether to give them something to talk about that will shut them up or to let them keep the whisper down the lane game going. you've got dozens of text messages to use against me, but babe i have thousands. who am i to you? to me you are last night, and maybe tonight, and hopefully tomorrow night.

you rope me back in, always. with that smile, and those eyes, and that witty charm, and those terrible comments that tear me down. you know just how to build me up and destroy what you've built, and in a perfect time frame. you know that if you spend too long building me up id walk away and too much tearing me down I'd crumble. it took you a day to notice i was gone. it took me 2 to trade you in. it took you 3 more to convince me that i was wrong. and it only took me 2 hours to realize i was right the first time. i stand by my original conclusions but ill probably still go home with you tonight.

I have enough friends, I don't need one more. Yet you talked for hours about how you wanted to be friends. Told me “thank you for always being there”. That, “now you knew who your real friends were”. That, “I was the only one who was ever really there”. And the icing on the cake? “Look I love you and will never stop”. Those little eight words was all it took.. You had me again. Hook, line and sinker. But it ended with you to asking me to keep it this all a secret, but I don't really care to keep it. This is what you’ve sewn, now reap it.

i love you. i want to be with you this very second. i want to be more than an 2 am phone call. someone you call to cuddle late night. someone to help you release your frustrations. someone more than just a filler of the void your trying to satisfy. but after the 5th night of text messages letting me know you'd be back eventually i can see you were just a waste of time. a waste of space. a waste of breath. i tried to be your new confident, but i could never really keep up with you anyway.

we’ve done this too many times. when we spoke yesterday, you told me to sit and wait, to hold my breath, that you'd be home soon. id die of affixation before id see your face again. don't say your sorry. you're not and i don't care. don't pretend this isn't what you wanted; pulling me back in. you forgot i snuck a look at your play book. and i know your next move. so don't act surprised when the defensive doesn't respond accordingly.

“But you aint leaving without a fight, and I think I am just as torn inside. Cause I don't know who I am with you, all I know is that I should..”

you tell me that im beautiful but that could be a lie...

you've disappeared and resurfaced so many times i don't know which to trust anymore. there are things i want to scream. things i don't know how to hold in. things that eat at me. but I'm supposed to be politically correct here. trying to keep my feelings bottled. trying to play the game we've caught our selves in. its a tangled web and if i unwrap myself, do i fall? Why do these games control us. I plead, I beg, I surrender! Here we think they protect us but really they ruin us. They prevent us from putting ourselves out there and reaching full potential. They hinder us from speaking the words we so desperately want to scream. They obstruct the justice that leads to all redemption. How many lives have been settled without ever knowing what could have been? I want to know what could have been! You and I, could we have been?

on the lines it all feels so safe. there's no rejection there's no pain. but in a couple months from now it all comes to light. every promise we've made. every word we've written. every thing becomes real. and maybe a little to real for me to handle. do i just sit back and watch things unfold, enjoy the ride? or do i do what i normally do? do i run and hide. hide from the pain that could be sneaking right below the surface?

don't you get it? this is all your fault, you called me beautiful. i have no options left. so there you go I'm discarding my hand. face up. for the world to see. its time for you to learn that i was never bluffing. i can play this game longer than you can, but it'd mean that id have to pretend not to care as much as i actually do. fate brought us together for a reason. I'm ready to find out what that reason is. its time for that nasty leap of faith. its time to fall off that cliff. its time for all of this to make some sort of sense.

your words are gentle, even if they're lies. your tales, enchanting. you can see right through me in a way Ive never known before. your thoughts are magnetic. your past is ignominy but it doesn't phase me one bit. i could of looked the other way but then id be missing out on something insanely special. you thought i should stop this a long time ago. truth is, i couldn't.. you had me hypnotized more than you realize. more than I'd like to admit. i couldn't resist myself. i could never control myself. i couldn't pull away not even for a second.

i want to feel your body pressed with passion against mine. your lips ever so tender in places people don't speak of. i want your eyes to look through the pain and see the beauty. your hands to tickle my skin with the slightest of touch. i want your arms to make me feel safe. and i want you to make me feel like there is nothing more in this world than that very moment.

you told me i was beautiful, but everything beautiful breaks. and i fear that nothing lasts forever. but that's what i want you to promise me, forever.