tie it up in a neat little bow.

disappear. just disappear already. take the bag you left behind, the cell phone charger, the laptop. take it all. take the hurt and the pain you've caused over these long years. take the tears and the heartaches. take the love i gave, take the sacrifices i made. take the years of putting you first. take the presents i gave to you that you so carelessly tossed aside. take the bed you maliciously demolished. take the house we share that was left in shambles after you were done. take it all, tie it up in a neat little bow and kindly, disappear.

i cant do this anymore. you cant keep repeating this same little cycle that you have so callously developed. a way in and a way out of my heart while my eyes are closed. before i can even realize that anything has even happened. with out realizing you were ever here or ever gone. you cant just appear, smile and walk all over my heart. who ever gave you the permission?

i guess i did. i guess i said yes unknowingly. no, I'm lying. i knew what i was doing all along. i knew i was letting you in. i knew i was loosing you. sometimes that 6 hours of being held tightly or the week of loving text messages make all this pain so worth it. i just wish i could remember what i was feeling in those moments, in the moments your gone. i cant. i cant find the happiness, the security, the love. it feels like it never existed. like it was never even real. like it was something i dreamed. a distant memory. maybe that's all it ever really was, or is.

i cant tell reality from fantasy anymore. I've lost it all in this mess we've created. i wont put it all on you because i know i played apart as well. i know were both guilty in this backwards fairy tale. you for abusing what i so willing gave you and me for continuing to give again and again. and for the billionth night over the past how ever many years, your the reason I'm crying myself to sleep. silently asking when will all this be over. i don't have the strength, i thought i had it once upon a time. now i don't know how i drag myself out of bed in the morning.

something i thought i wanted, was something i thought i needed. it was neither. where were you when i cried at night? or when we lost everything we had fought for? where were you when i said i loved you? or i needed you? i remember when i gave up loving you, or at least i thought i did. one month I'm stronger than you might expect me to be. the next after seeing your face and falling victim to your dumb games I'm the epitome of a mess. look what you've done to me. mascara covered cheeks and i just cant stop.

not much has changed over the last couple of years.. sad and lonely now.. sad and lonely then. i try so hard to remember when we were happy. i sat in bed and racked my brain. i couldn't. how sad, i thought. i could not remember one full day where we just laughed. it was always this or that. one fight or another. one reason or another. one disrespectful comment after another. a forgot anniversary. a missed valentine. an abandoned date. an omitted story. a lapse of judgement. an erased phone number. a buried text message.

go somewhere. anywhere. take your bullshit with you. if you don't love me by now, you never will. baby, Ive got to see that you and me ain't meant to be. so take it all, wrap it all up in a neat little bow and disappear.

all i know is that i should...

“I don't know who I am without you, all I know is that I should. And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon me, all I know is I should...”

there was once a girl who let a boy destroy her. she tip toed on eggshells around him, he stomped and tore them to pieces. he showed her that no one would ever love her. no one would ever care for her. she was damaged and he took too much joy in the fact that he had created it. he manipulated and tore her down, it was dog eat dog and she was nothing but a bitch. he couldn't walk away without making sure she knew she was worth nothing more. she was his whore. there only for him and no matter how many times he ruined her, she was still there wanting more. it was easy prey for him. like shooting at beer cans all perfectly aligned in a row. she trusted he'd miss, he never did. a boy who needed her to need him. and she begged to be let go of, just let her go. but he never did in the past and never would. she couldn't let go; I couldn’t let go of him..

i see it in all these other girls, running back for acceptance. Good intentions and honest hearts. Trying to change a boy for the better. Trying to make him a better person. Trying, begging for him to treat them better. I've learned from experience, from hardship, its impossible to change someone without their wanting to. And even then they can only change themselves. And so I take what I have and run with it. I sadly except the fate that I have come to know as mine.

we’re going down, and you can see it too and you know that we’re doomed. i remember making love triangles in a crowded room, but now I'm included in them and they've become more complex than just a simple triangle. the shapes have morphed from triangles to pentagons, hexagons and octagons. and no one can stop their growing. its gotten incredibly messy, but you enjoy the mess. your the creator, the master mind behind all of this. and you cant help but sit back and watch the tangled web you've weaved and laugh. i don't know what I've done or even if what I like what I've become, and I cant tell if what I've gotten caught up in is killing me.

But for all the times I've walked away.. Including this one.. I've head you've missed me. Can’t you hear the rumors, Baby? you've been telling people things you shouldn't. we've got fans and stalkers, people betting against us and against the odds. i don't know whether to give them something to talk about that will shut them up or to let them keep the whisper down the lane game going. you've got dozens of text messages to use against me, but babe i have thousands. who am i to you? to me you are last night, and maybe tonight, and hopefully tomorrow night.

you rope me back in, always. with that smile, and those eyes, and that witty charm, and those terrible comments that tear me down. you know just how to build me up and destroy what you've built, and in a perfect time frame. you know that if you spend too long building me up id walk away and too much tearing me down I'd crumble. it took you a day to notice i was gone. it took me 2 to trade you in. it took you 3 more to convince me that i was wrong. and it only took me 2 hours to realize i was right the first time. i stand by my original conclusions but ill probably still go home with you tonight.

I have enough friends, I don't need one more. Yet you talked for hours about how you wanted to be friends. Told me “thank you for always being there”. That, “now you knew who your real friends were”. That, “I was the only one who was ever really there”. And the icing on the cake? “Look I love you and will never stop”. Those little eight words was all it took.. You had me again. Hook, line and sinker. But it ended with you to asking me to keep it this all a secret, but I don't really care to keep it. This is what you’ve sewn, now reap it.

i love you. i want to be with you this very second. i want to be more than an 2 am phone call. someone you call to cuddle late night. someone to help you release your frustrations. someone more than just a filler of the void your trying to satisfy. but after the 5th night of text messages letting me know you'd be back eventually i can see you were just a waste of time. a waste of space. a waste of breath. i tried to be your new confident, but i could never really keep up with you anyway.

we’ve done this too many times. when we spoke yesterday, you told me to sit and wait, to hold my breath, that you'd be home soon. id die of affixation before id see your face again. don't say your sorry. you're not and i don't care. don't pretend this isn't what you wanted; pulling me back in. you forgot i snuck a look at your play book. and i know your next move. so don't act surprised when the defensive doesn't respond accordingly.

“But you aint leaving without a fight, and I think I am just as torn inside. Cause I don't know who I am with you, all I know is that I should..”